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it's good to see you thank you it's very

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bright in this office this is the first

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time i've sat in here

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yeah it's different to see

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someone else's face in that seat yes

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i imagine that's for sure well i don't

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sit here very often not now that he's

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home

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do you have any questions for me before

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we start

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i read about you some you know whatever

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was online and i watched your interview

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with eric weinstein and uh

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um

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professor verveiki

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right right right yeah i was more of a

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whipper snapper back then

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how long ago were those improved how

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long ago those were almost a year ago so

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verveicky was a year and a half do you

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have you ever met verviki yeah i know

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him yeah oh great great yeah i like him

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he's a cool guy yes he's a very cool guy

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and

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eric i just met virtually but yeah yeah

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i've met him too

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yeah yeah so i know them both i saw

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i listened to eric weinstein play play

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the fiddle on stage before one of

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jordan's

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lectures

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oh yeah i didn't know that yeah yep yep

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he's a man of many talents he is

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tammy why don't you tell me a little bit

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about what your average day looks like

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what time do you wake up generally do

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you have a routine do you meditate do

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you eat a certain type of meal do you do

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yoga so on and so on

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i have quite a

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structured morning

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my afternoons aren't as structured

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my evenings are pretty structured

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because i share them with my husband and

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he's very structured in his evening so

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my morning starts out

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um i get up

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i random

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time between seven and eight in the

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morning

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and

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i just wake up when i wake up before my

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alarm if i don't wake up before my alarm

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i know i'm tired so i just let myself

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sleep

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but as soon as i wake up

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i

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wake up

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uh i try if i have any

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um

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or anything on my mind that is

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an obsessive thought of any sort i just

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say that i will be done until it goes

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away

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and then i get up

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i get up and i shower and then i take my

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rosary to the front porch and it's

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really bright out there because it faces

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south and it's all it's a porch that's

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all closed in with um

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stained glass

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so it's a really pretty

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place to sit and the sun comes in

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they're really nice it's east and south

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so you get the morning sun and the

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afternoon sun

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which is very important to me it's

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always been important to me i grew up on

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the prairie where there was lots of

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sunshine and uh

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i was very interested in

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when i come home from school at noon i'd

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always lay in the sun i was quite a cat

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i just loved to be in the sun and i i

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felt the sun was

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important to me it was healing somewhere

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it was calming some way it was good and

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so i still feel that way in fact when we

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bought this house it was quite a dark

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house

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uh hadn't been renovated since 1935 so

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the wallpaper was hanging in ribbons off

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the walls when we walked in and it was

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vacant

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the family that had lived there moved in

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in 1925

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and his parents had died and he'd stayed

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there and become senile and the

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neighbors put him in a home and

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the house was sold and we bought it

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some of the neighbors who lived around

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were just renting their houses because

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they didn't want to live beside him

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because of the strange

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behavior that he had later in his life

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kind of spooked people so we moved into

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this house that had spooked people quite

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a bit

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and so that that was interesting and i

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shied away from it but i was convinced

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to move in and so we renovated it and i

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worked as the contractor and

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put it like dug it down to the basement

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and went back to the brick and rebuilt

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the whole thing in six months and we

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moved in

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so

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this house has been transformed

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a number of times and and we're still

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here we eventually put longhouse on the

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third floor so now it's our house like

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who's gonna buy a house with a long

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house on the third floor so it's house

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it's our house whether we live here or

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not

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so i go out to the front porch which is

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a glorious place to be and i pray the

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rosary

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um

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every day it only takes about 15 minutes

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so it's not a

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ridiculous

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undertaking

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to give yourself 15 minutes in the

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morning to

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to focus your thoughts on god and you

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know every every rosary day every day of

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the rosary there's a different story

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that goes from you know conception to

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crucifixion

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and

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then there are five

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you know there's ten beads so there's

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five stories

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that that make up each day

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and with each story there's a

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a moral i guess

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and so you can

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you can do whatever you want with the

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rosary but i i pray on the morals so i

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pray on faith or i pray on hope or i

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pray on

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and and sometimes and i usually give a

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prayer for my dad he's 90 years old so i

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give a prayer for my dad he asks me to

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will you pray for me tom i say yeah i'll

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pray for you dad

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and uh i pray for my husband and i i

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pray for the world

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in and its

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challenges

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and so then i do that and um then i

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meditate

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minutes

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in the morning and so that's really good

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and what kind of meditation mindful

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meditation

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just so i sit and i breathe

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it depends what i'm

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concentrating on sometimes i have a

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problem

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and um

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i'll spend some of the time on that

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problem otherwise i'll just breathe and

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let god in as much as i can what you

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mean is you'll clear your mind to just

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focus on that one problem in a calmer

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state yes while breathing well i've done

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yoga since i was 13 years old that's

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when i began my i had an aunt who

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introduced me to

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hatha yoga when i was visiting in the

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summer for a couple of weeks and she

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gave me a book and i took it home

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and started doing yoga every day and so

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i've done yoga

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most days since i was 13 years old and

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that was very helpful because you know

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during your high school years they're

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very chaotic at least mine were

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and i'd come home at night and do yoga

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and it would bring me back to

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myself

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and i could

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reflect on where i was in my life

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and often it wasn't you know a very

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structured place i was

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a teenager so i was out with all the

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other kids doing wild things and i'd

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come home and think well that i'm in

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kind of a wild place that's not

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easy to go to sleep that way and so a

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wild place mentally

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yeah because i think when you go out and

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you

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definitely going to be in a wild place

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mentally too

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you know an unstructured place

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an unknown place really because in when

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you're a teenager it's uh

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difficult to run your own show so you're

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looking for

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um

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belonging you know there's lots of

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things that teenagers are looking for

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and so

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they get pulled this way in that way by

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whoever they're with was there something

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that you were looking for you you oh

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probably teenagers in general look for

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yeah i think there was something i was

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looking for

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i was trying to understand my

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motivations

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you know because you know kids they do

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things like uh go to a party and get

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drunk and then you come home and you

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think why did i do that

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what what drove me to do that like why

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did i

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with him he was drunk although my dad

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taught me to sit beside the driver and

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make sure i got home that was his advice

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uh he albertan yeah

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yeah that's right yeah were you always

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someone who focused on the body

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yes

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sportsman

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so he was a

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curler a hockey player a baseball player

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a golfer he did all of the north

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american sports

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and he did them well

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he

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so it

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sports was always there and i like to be

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outside

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little kid i used to dig up worms and

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spend a lot of time in the garden with

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with the dirt and everything that grew

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outside

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so i really like to get my hands in the

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dirt i like to pick up rocks and find

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out what was underneath them and uh

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i even had a wagon and i used to i used

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to pick up earthworms and put them in

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kleenexes and

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tuck them into bed and pull them around

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in my wake

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yeah so from the time i was a little kid

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i was outside playing in the mud puddles

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you know just constantly outside

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skipping i was just outside always

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my son's first words were outside so

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he's a little bit like me wanting to be

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outside that's where god is

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for me is outside

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and so if i go for a walk

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i can

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uh

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i can have a i can have a meditation

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with god

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so i used to have a dog and when i

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walked the dog we would go and you know

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meditate

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and walk around

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and uh we as in you and the dog man the

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dog yeah man the dog would meditate dog

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would meditate with me he was he was you

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know

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he was in line with me

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he was a little more snappy than me he'd

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snap at people i didn't

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my daughter said i'm very open so i i

285
00:10:22,069 --> 00:10:19,200
ramble when i talk

286
00:10:24,150 --> 00:10:22,079
oh no no please do please keep going i

287
00:10:26,069 --> 00:10:24,160
like it it takes me to places i didn't

288
00:10:28,630 --> 00:10:26,079
think it would go as for you with the

289
00:10:31,910 --> 00:10:28,640
body see for me

290
00:10:33,910 --> 00:10:31,920
i am i like puzzles i like abstractions

291
00:10:36,389 --> 00:10:33,920
i like what takes cognitive effort

292
00:10:38,230 --> 00:10:36,399
but i'm so out of tune with my own body

293
00:10:40,870 --> 00:10:38,240
so much so that if the doctor asks me

294
00:10:43,269 --> 00:10:40,880
where do i feel a pain i have a diffuse

295
00:10:44,630 --> 00:10:43,279
notion it's somewhere here i don't know

296
00:10:45,750 --> 00:10:44,640
if it's inside i don't know if it's i

297
00:10:47,509 --> 00:10:45,760
have to

298
00:10:48,710 --> 00:10:47,519
sit and pay close attention for many

299
00:10:49,910 --> 00:10:48,720
other people they can say well it's

300
00:10:51,910 --> 00:10:49,920
precisely at the upper part of my

301
00:10:52,870 --> 00:10:51,920
kneecap on the outside for me that might

302
00:10:56,230 --> 00:10:52,880
take me

303
00:10:57,829 --> 00:10:56,240
a minute so what is that is first of all

304
00:10:59,110 --> 00:10:57,839
is that

305
00:11:00,389 --> 00:10:59,120
a negative

306
00:11:02,550 --> 00:11:00,399
you mentioned

307
00:11:04,389 --> 00:11:02,560
personal that is where god is for me

308
00:11:05,670 --> 00:11:04,399
outside so then that made me think well

309
00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:05,680
god is

310
00:11:09,829 --> 00:11:07,760
it's objective but at the same time god

311
00:11:11,990 --> 00:11:09,839
is personal so then

312
00:11:13,829 --> 00:11:12,000
does that mean that that's okay if you

313
00:11:15,910 --> 00:11:13,839
have your own individual proclivities

314
00:11:19,190 --> 00:11:15,920
curse and and

315
00:11:21,110 --> 00:11:19,200
and downsides because

316
00:11:22,790 --> 00:11:21,120
well that's just you or should i balance

317
00:11:24,310 --> 00:11:22,800
myself in some way and now pay more

318
00:11:26,069 --> 00:11:24,320
attention to my body

319
00:11:28,790 --> 00:11:26,079
well i would say you're you know

320
00:11:31,110 --> 00:11:28,800
mathematician and physicist so that's

321
00:11:33,509 --> 00:11:31,120
what you studied in in university i

322
00:11:34,710 --> 00:11:33,519
studied kinesiology

323
00:11:37,750 --> 00:11:34,720
you know

324
00:11:38,710 --> 00:11:37,760
right so i studied the body i uh i'm an

325
00:11:41,670 --> 00:11:38,720
artist

326
00:11:43,030 --> 00:11:41,680
i paint portraits and i sketch life

327
00:11:44,150 --> 00:11:43,040
drawing

328
00:11:46,710 --> 00:11:44,160
um

329
00:11:47,829 --> 00:11:46,720
i do yoga i trained as a massage

330
00:11:51,990 --> 00:11:47,839
therapist

331
00:11:52,870 --> 00:11:52,000
i am i'm very much about the body

332
00:11:54,630 --> 00:11:52,880
but

333
00:11:57,110 --> 00:11:54,640
and so i know about it so if i go to the

334
00:11:59,750 --> 00:11:57,120
doctor i know you know i can explain but

335
00:12:01,430 --> 00:11:59,760
i've studied that i studied that

336
00:12:04,069 --> 00:12:01,440
intensely

337
00:12:07,750 --> 00:12:04,079
my whole life i've studied it so

338
00:12:10,389 --> 00:12:07,760
if someone asked me a question about

339
00:12:11,910 --> 00:12:10,399
anything to do with the

340
00:12:12,949 --> 00:12:11,920
solar system or anything i wouldn't be

341
00:12:14,550 --> 00:12:12,959
able to

342
00:12:16,150 --> 00:12:14,560
say anything except for rudimentary

343
00:12:19,350 --> 00:12:16,160
knowledge so

344
00:12:20,550 --> 00:12:19,360
i think your understanding of it is

345
00:12:25,190 --> 00:12:20,560
normal

346
00:12:27,190 --> 00:12:25,200
that you'd be focused otherwise and i

347
00:12:28,870 --> 00:12:27,200
would be focused in and

348
00:12:30,710 --> 00:12:28,880
and it's possibly something about being

349
00:12:32,949 --> 00:12:30,720
a woman as well because

350
00:12:35,269 --> 00:12:32,959
uh we have so many changes that go on in

351
00:12:37,750 --> 00:12:35,279
our bodies so young that it brings us

352
00:12:39,030 --> 00:12:37,760
back to our body you know at 13 all of a

353
00:12:41,190 --> 00:12:39,040
sudden we're paying attention to our

354
00:12:42,550 --> 00:12:41,200
bodies even if we hadn't paid attention

355
00:12:45,590 --> 00:12:42,560
at all

356
00:12:47,190 --> 00:12:45,600
until we were 13 at 13

357
00:12:49,350 --> 00:12:47,200
bang you're paying attention to your

358
00:12:52,310 --> 00:12:49,360
body and you have to otherwise you make

359
00:12:54,949 --> 00:12:52,320
a mess so you you have to pay attention

360
00:12:56,230 --> 00:12:54,959
and also your emotions go you know all

361
00:12:57,990 --> 00:12:56,240
over the place

362
00:13:00,230 --> 00:12:58,000
and so then you're paying attention to

363
00:13:01,030 --> 00:13:00,240
what's going on there so i think at

364
00:13:02,550 --> 00:13:01,040
least

365
00:13:05,590 --> 00:13:02,560
for myself

366
00:13:07,350 --> 00:13:05,600
i accepted that as a challenge

367
00:13:10,470 --> 00:13:07,360
and and you talked about puzzles i like

368
00:13:12,710 --> 00:13:10,480
puzzles but i think of life as a puzzle

369
00:13:15,269 --> 00:13:12,720
and i think of putting thing pieces in

370
00:13:17,670 --> 00:13:15,279
place while i get better understanding

371
00:13:19,350 --> 00:13:17,680
of myself physically emotionally and

372
00:13:22,550 --> 00:13:19,360
spiritually

373
00:13:24,710 --> 00:13:22,560
that's my puzzle that i have worked on

374
00:13:26,230 --> 00:13:24,720
if you might give me a specific example

375
00:13:27,590 --> 00:13:26,240
of a situation that you viewed as a

376
00:13:28,629 --> 00:13:27,600
puzzle and then how you thought about

377
00:13:29,990 --> 00:13:28,639
solving it

378
00:13:31,750 --> 00:13:30,000
okay

379
00:13:33,750 --> 00:13:31,760
well i did that today

380
00:13:35,990 --> 00:13:33,760
i had a piece of a puzzle that got you

381
00:13:37,110 --> 00:13:36,000
know that i understand better

382
00:13:38,550 --> 00:13:37,120
so

383
00:13:39,269 --> 00:13:38,560
um

384
00:13:50,230 --> 00:13:39,279
i

385
00:13:53,509 --> 00:13:50,240
on zoom

386
00:13:55,910 --> 00:13:53,519
all kinds of i have some post cancer

387
00:13:58,790 --> 00:13:55,920
wellness spring offers

388
00:14:00,150 --> 00:13:58,800
different programs for people who've uh

389
00:14:03,110 --> 00:14:00,160
in them are in the middle of treatment

390
00:14:04,949 --> 00:14:03,120
or who have survived treatment or their

391
00:14:06,629 --> 00:14:04,959
caregivers they can take courses through

392
00:14:09,189 --> 00:14:06,639
wellspring and some of them are art

393
00:14:11,350 --> 00:14:09,199
therapy courses so i take those

394
00:14:13,750 --> 00:14:11,360
so all that stuff is is is really good

395
00:14:14,829 --> 00:14:13,760
for me and i sit downstairs and and do

396
00:14:17,030 --> 00:14:14,839
what i

397
00:14:18,389 --> 00:14:17,040
want but

398
00:14:20,550 --> 00:14:18,399
now i can't remember your question you

399
00:14:23,590 --> 00:14:20,560
have to ask it again oh oh where's the

400
00:14:25,829 --> 00:14:23,600
puzzle oh the puzzle okay so i was in a

401
00:14:26,870 --> 00:14:25,839
class a life drawing class on sunday

402
00:14:29,030 --> 00:14:26,880
morning

403
00:14:32,790 --> 00:14:29,040
and uh my husband came down and said

404
00:14:36,230 --> 00:14:32,800
goodbye and i snapped at him

405
00:14:38,230 --> 00:14:36,240
i wasn't i wasn't you know i wasn't um

406
00:14:41,430 --> 00:14:38,240
i wasn't kind

407
00:14:43,350 --> 00:14:41,440
he'd interrupt he yesterday he

408
00:14:45,189 --> 00:14:43,360
i was concentrating on something he

409
00:14:48,550 --> 00:14:45,199
interrupted and i wasn't kind

410
00:14:49,990 --> 00:14:48,560
in my response and so later we talked

411
00:14:52,310 --> 00:14:50,000
about it

412
00:14:54,550 --> 00:14:52,320
and i thought you know

413
00:14:56,550 --> 00:14:54,560
i think i understand

414
00:14:59,110 --> 00:14:56,560
because if i look back over the last 20

415
00:15:00,629 --> 00:14:59,120
years

416
00:15:02,949 --> 00:15:00,639
of having children getting married

417
00:15:06,470 --> 00:15:02,959
having children having them grow up i

418
00:15:08,949 --> 00:15:06,480
left my art largely behind for a number

419
00:15:12,629 --> 00:15:08,959
of years and i could never understand

420
00:15:14,949 --> 00:15:12,639
why so i meditated on it this morning

421
00:15:16,310 --> 00:15:14,959
and i thought back to my mother and her

422
00:15:18,870 --> 00:15:16,320
father

423
00:15:21,829 --> 00:15:18,880
who both

424
00:15:23,670 --> 00:15:21,839
had troubled childhoods

425
00:15:28,230 --> 00:15:23,680
and

426
00:15:30,470 --> 00:15:28,240
would have been fear

427
00:15:31,990 --> 00:15:30,480
there would have been lack of love

428
00:15:33,990 --> 00:15:32,000
and

429
00:15:35,670 --> 00:15:34,000
uh my mother was

430
00:15:37,189 --> 00:15:35,680
physically she was you know some people

431
00:15:38,470 --> 00:15:37,199
you walk in the room and the room is

432
00:15:40,550 --> 00:15:38,480
cold

433
00:15:41,670 --> 00:15:40,560
so they're giving off something that you

434
00:15:44,470 --> 00:15:41,680
know is

435
00:15:46,069 --> 00:15:44,480
cold it's not a warm feeling a welcoming

436
00:15:49,590 --> 00:15:46,079
generous feeling

437
00:15:51,509 --> 00:15:49,600
and uh my mom used to have that happen

438
00:15:52,790 --> 00:15:51,519
and so i would be jumping through hoops

439
00:15:56,310 --> 00:15:52,800
trying to

440
00:15:57,910 --> 00:15:56,320
get attention from her and to get proper

441
00:16:00,550 --> 00:15:57,920
love

442
00:16:02,870 --> 00:16:00,560
in my direction when i was a kid and it

443
00:16:04,790 --> 00:16:02,880
really wouldn't change her

444
00:16:07,110 --> 00:16:04,800
it was what i wanted

445
00:16:09,030 --> 00:16:07,120
wasn't necessarily what she needed or

446
00:16:11,269 --> 00:16:09,040
wanted or knew about so it was just

447
00:16:13,910 --> 00:16:11,279
something i was doing on my end and so i

448
00:16:15,590 --> 00:16:13,920
have a tendency

449
00:16:17,749 --> 00:16:15,600
but i had a good time with her if she

450
00:16:19,910 --> 00:16:17,759
would color with me

451
00:16:21,590 --> 00:16:19,920
so doodle art i don't know if you know

452
00:16:24,069 --> 00:16:21,600
doodle art but do like they sometimes

453
00:16:25,670 --> 00:16:24,079
have great mythic uh doodle arts that

454
00:16:27,509 --> 00:16:25,680
you can color and my mom used to color

455
00:16:29,749 --> 00:16:27,519
them with me and you know i used to

456
00:16:31,749 --> 00:16:29,759
garden with her but it that was work and

457
00:16:33,590 --> 00:16:31,759
duty you know and she used to sew me

458
00:16:35,590 --> 00:16:33,600
doll clothes when i was a kid but she

459
00:16:36,710 --> 00:16:35,600
was doing the sewing and i was doing the

460
00:16:39,110 --> 00:16:36,720
watching

461
00:16:41,749 --> 00:16:39,120
but when we colored we colored together

462
00:16:44,069 --> 00:16:41,759
so that was a shared activity

463
00:16:45,990 --> 00:16:44,079
and last night i was babysitting my

464
00:16:47,670 --> 00:16:46,000
granddaughter she's three and she was

465
00:16:51,269 --> 00:16:47,680
getting sleepy and we went down to my

466
00:16:52,389 --> 00:16:51,279
art table and got out a coloring book

467
00:16:58,550 --> 00:16:52,399
and

468
00:17:00,949 --> 00:16:58,560
her

469
00:17:02,310 --> 00:17:00,959
uh hummingbird and raccoon that are in

470
00:17:04,549 --> 00:17:02,320
that story

471
00:17:05,750 --> 00:17:04,559
and i was quite enjoying it and she

472
00:17:07,590 --> 00:17:05,760
would color a bit and then she'd say

473
00:17:09,189 --> 00:17:07,600
grandma color here and i'd color there

474
00:17:11,270 --> 00:17:09,199
and then what color should that be let's

475
00:17:13,270 --> 00:17:11,280
give her pink hair red hair blue hair

476
00:17:15,350 --> 00:17:13,280
you know where it's just purple legs we

477
00:17:16,710 --> 00:17:15,360
were having a great time

478
00:17:18,870 --> 00:17:16,720
and so i thought about all that when i

479
00:17:21,829 --> 00:17:18,880
was meditating and i thought well when

480
00:17:23,990 --> 00:17:21,839
i'm doing art

481
00:17:26,549 --> 00:17:24,000
it gives me a warmth

482
00:17:29,190 --> 00:17:26,559
which was some of the only warmth i had

483
00:17:30,870 --> 00:17:29,200
with my mom not that it was that drastic

484
00:17:33,909 --> 00:17:30,880
but you know

485
00:17:35,029 --> 00:17:33,919
um my mom loved me i know she did it's

486
00:17:36,390 --> 00:17:35,039
just that

487
00:17:38,070 --> 00:17:36,400
there were certain times where i could

488
00:17:40,230 --> 00:17:38,080
feel it more than other times and art

489
00:17:41,669 --> 00:17:40,240
was one place i really felt it and that

490
00:17:43,510 --> 00:17:41,679
might be why

491
00:17:45,430 --> 00:17:43,520
although i have a

492
00:17:47,590 --> 00:17:45,440
an aptitude for art

493
00:17:50,710 --> 00:17:47,600
that's also where there's love and

494
00:17:52,789 --> 00:17:50,720
warmth and so i really like to do it

495
00:17:54,310 --> 00:17:52,799
and i left it for 20 years and didn't do

496
00:17:57,270 --> 00:17:54,320
it

497
00:17:58,789 --> 00:17:57,280
i until the art therapy until

498
00:18:02,150 --> 00:17:58,799
yeah until i

499
00:18:03,350 --> 00:18:02,160
till i had this brush with death

500
00:18:07,590 --> 00:18:03,360
and

501
00:18:09,590 --> 00:18:07,600
good space to

502
00:18:12,830 --> 00:18:09,600
set myself up

503
00:18:16,070 --> 00:18:12,840
and made it a priority

504
00:18:18,870 --> 00:18:16,080
and so i made i made the act i changed

505
00:18:21,350 --> 00:18:18,880
the action first

506
00:18:23,350 --> 00:18:21,360
and then

507
00:18:25,350 --> 00:18:23,360
when the

508
00:18:26,630 --> 00:18:25,360
underlying trouble that had been

509
00:18:28,310 --> 00:18:26,640
stopping me

510
00:18:29,990 --> 00:18:28,320
i guess maybe then it was safe enough

511
00:18:32,310 --> 00:18:30,000
for it to come up

512
00:18:34,549 --> 00:18:32,320
and it came up and i

513
00:18:35,830 --> 00:18:34,559
barked at my husband which showed me

514
00:18:38,230 --> 00:18:35,840
that i had

515
00:18:39,430 --> 00:18:38,240
spent 20 years not doing what i wanted

516
00:18:43,110 --> 00:18:39,440
to do

517
00:18:45,590 --> 00:18:43,120
and blamed him for it

518
00:18:47,270 --> 00:18:45,600
in that moment or you realize that oh

519
00:18:49,029 --> 00:18:47,280
i've known that before but it never

520
00:18:51,510 --> 00:18:49,039
really came up

521
00:18:53,510 --> 00:18:51,520
so that it was very much in the moment

522
00:18:54,150 --> 00:18:53,520
for both of us to be paying attention to

523
00:18:55,350 --> 00:18:54,160
it

524
00:18:56,789 --> 00:18:55,360
and to

525
00:18:59,750 --> 00:18:56,799
and i wasn't

526
00:19:02,870 --> 00:18:59,760
i wasn't uh confident enough or

527
00:19:04,870 --> 00:19:02,880
organized enough to answer his question

528
00:19:05,990 --> 00:19:04,880
in a way that could

529
00:19:08,310 --> 00:19:06,000
calm him

530
00:19:09,669 --> 00:19:08,320
and make him believe that i am

531
00:19:12,870 --> 00:19:09,679
addressing it and that everything will

532
00:19:15,350 --> 00:19:12,880
be okay you were suggesting that

533
00:19:16,390 --> 00:19:15,360
well actually first if you don't mind i

534
00:19:19,110 --> 00:19:16,400
don't know i would like to know the

535
00:19:20,710 --> 00:19:19,120
nature the nature of your bark because

536
00:19:22,310 --> 00:19:20,720
for me when i'm working i have a

537
00:19:24,789 --> 00:19:22,320
tendency to do something similar where i

538
00:19:26,950 --> 00:19:24,799
bark but it's not but sometimes it's

539
00:19:29,110 --> 00:19:26,960
more caustic than other times like most

540
00:19:31,270 --> 00:19:29,120
of the time it's it's babe i'm working

541
00:19:32,950 --> 00:19:31,280
i'm working but sometimes

542
00:19:35,350 --> 00:19:32,960
i can say it more harshly or i can say

543
00:19:37,110 --> 00:19:35,360
something else i don't swear right but i

544
00:19:39,590 --> 00:19:37,120
i understand that it can be

545
00:19:43,110 --> 00:19:39,600
i understand it hurts her at times yeah

546
00:19:44,550 --> 00:19:43,120
i just said i said you can go

547
00:19:45,909 --> 00:19:44,560
okay and do you mind

548
00:19:48,950 --> 00:19:45,919
[Music]

549
00:19:50,230 --> 00:19:48,960
what did he do before that and then what

550
00:19:52,310 --> 00:19:50,240
did you say like where were you in the

551
00:19:54,230 --> 00:19:52,320
kitchen and oh no i was like

552
00:19:55,909 --> 00:19:54,240
he came downstairs

553
00:19:57,510 --> 00:19:55,919
to where my art

554
00:19:59,430 --> 00:19:57,520
table is

555
00:20:01,909 --> 00:19:59,440
into the basement that's where i have it

556
00:20:04,230 --> 00:20:01,919
and i have i cut a nice big hole in the

557
00:20:06,630 --> 00:20:04,240
wall so there's light coming in the

558
00:20:08,789 --> 00:20:06,640
stairs from the upstairs are

559
00:20:11,110 --> 00:20:08,799
they're not solid so the light from

560
00:20:13,270 --> 00:20:11,120
outside comes in that way and i have a

561
00:20:14,630 --> 00:20:13,280
back basement door with a big window in

562
00:20:15,669 --> 00:20:14,640
it so there's light there's natural

563
00:20:17,029 --> 00:20:15,679
light

564
00:20:19,110 --> 00:20:17,039
right there in the basement i have

565
00:20:20,390 --> 00:20:19,120
really good overhead lights so i can

566
00:20:22,390 --> 00:20:20,400
really light

567
00:20:24,390 --> 00:20:22,400
this art table that i have so that's

568
00:20:26,470 --> 00:20:24,400
where my computer is and that's where

569
00:20:28,390 --> 00:20:26,480
i do all my art projects and whatever

570
00:20:31,029 --> 00:20:28,400
else i might be doing so i was down

571
00:20:33,029 --> 00:20:31,039
there my computer was in front of me

572
00:20:34,950 --> 00:20:33,039
it was obvious that i was

573
00:20:36,390 --> 00:20:34,960
in a class

574
00:20:38,789 --> 00:20:36,400
i was drawing

575
00:20:40,789 --> 00:20:38,799
and he came down and asked he said he

576
00:20:42,789 --> 00:20:40,799
needs some groceries

577
00:20:45,830 --> 00:20:42,799
and

578
00:20:48,549 --> 00:20:45,840
i thought that's not

579
00:20:51,430 --> 00:20:48,559
important right now to me because i'm in

580
00:20:55,190 --> 00:20:51,440
class so i said i'm in a class

581
00:20:57,750 --> 00:20:55,200
and uh he continued and i said

582
00:20:59,190 --> 00:20:57,760
that that was you know that was enough

583
00:21:00,950 --> 00:20:59,200
that he could go

584
00:21:02,870 --> 00:21:00,960
and then i called him and i said you

585
00:21:05,350 --> 00:21:02,880
know just send me a text

586
00:21:07,510 --> 00:21:05,360
just right you can go as in you can go

587
00:21:09,270 --> 00:21:07,520
get the groceries no you can just go

588
00:21:11,430 --> 00:21:09,280
he's honest

589
00:21:12,070 --> 00:21:11,440
you can leave like the king says you

590
00:21:15,110 --> 00:21:12,080
know

591
00:21:16,630 --> 00:21:15,120
hits that little bell and then whoever's

592
00:21:18,549 --> 00:21:16,640
talking to her has to get up and leave

593
00:21:19,590 --> 00:21:18,559
yeah that kind of thing

594
00:21:20,470 --> 00:21:19,600
yeah

595
00:21:23,029 --> 00:21:20,480
so

596
00:21:25,190 --> 00:21:23,039
you know there's a lot of um

597
00:21:26,630 --> 00:21:25,200
that would be pride i think or

598
00:21:28,710 --> 00:21:26,640
or um

599
00:21:31,590 --> 00:21:28,720
a sense of entitlement for sure oh so

600
00:21:34,070 --> 00:21:31,600
those those that kind of understanding

601
00:21:37,270 --> 00:21:34,080
so if i get that if i get a

602
00:21:39,350 --> 00:21:37,280
a clue that i'm acting in that way

603
00:21:41,669 --> 00:21:39,360
then i can address it then i can say

604
00:21:45,590 --> 00:21:41,679
okay where did that come from

605
00:21:50,549 --> 00:21:47,510
whatever comes up for me when i'm

606
00:21:52,390 --> 00:21:50,559
meditating and think okay well maybe

607
00:21:55,270 --> 00:21:52,400
maybe i

608
00:22:03,669 --> 00:21:55,280
need this and i haven't been getting it

609
00:22:07,029 --> 00:22:05,590
blaming someone else for something i

610
00:22:10,149 --> 00:22:07,039
didn't do

611
00:22:12,149 --> 00:22:10,159
or i was also

612
00:22:14,310 --> 00:22:12,159
whatever else i was doing i was kind of

613
00:22:15,909 --> 00:22:14,320
trying to control my environment

614
00:22:18,310 --> 00:22:15,919
of things i couldn't control and can't

615
00:22:21,350 --> 00:22:18,320
control but i was trying to

616
00:22:23,990 --> 00:22:21,360
to get if you know when people do that

617
00:22:27,270 --> 00:22:24,000
it gives them some self-gratification

618
00:22:29,190 --> 00:22:27,280
because they've gone off and and

619
00:22:30,549 --> 00:22:29,200
tried to make everything better for

620
00:22:31,830 --> 00:22:30,559
other people

621
00:22:33,750 --> 00:22:31,840
but

622
00:22:36,230 --> 00:22:33,760
have denied themselves something that

623
00:22:38,230 --> 00:22:36,240
they need like that that's a that's a

624
00:22:39,270 --> 00:22:38,240
recipe for disaster you know that's what

625
00:22:41,029 --> 00:22:39,280
that is

626
00:22:43,270 --> 00:22:41,039
and so

627
00:22:45,750 --> 00:22:43,280
i think in the past in my way of

628
00:22:46,950 --> 00:22:45,760
thinking that i was thinking before

629
00:22:49,830 --> 00:22:46,960
wasn't

630
00:22:52,830 --> 00:22:49,840
well formulated it was a an old plan

631
00:22:54,390 --> 00:22:52,840
that hadn't been updated and so it

632
00:22:56,950 --> 00:22:54,400
wasn't

633
00:22:58,470 --> 00:22:56,960
a plan that was going to work for me now

634
00:22:59,909 --> 00:22:58,480
or for my husband

635
00:23:01,590 --> 00:22:59,919
i've heard that you have this practice

636
00:23:03,350 --> 00:23:01,600
where you retreat separately and find

637
00:23:04,710 --> 00:23:03,360
the source of the problem being yourself

638
00:23:06,549 --> 00:23:04,720
when you have a fight a conflict with

639
00:23:08,230 --> 00:23:06,559
your oh sure i can imagine that it can

640
00:23:10,310 --> 00:23:08,240
be one-sided at times at least in the

641
00:23:11,830 --> 00:23:10,320
beginning where you aren't able to come

642
00:23:13,350 --> 00:23:11,840
up with an idea as to how the problem

643
00:23:14,390 --> 00:23:13,360
was you and then you get together the

644
00:23:15,430 --> 00:23:14,400
person says yeah the problem is me

645
00:23:17,270 --> 00:23:15,440
saying something you're like yeah the

646
00:23:19,750 --> 00:23:17,280
problem actually at this time was you so

647
00:23:21,990 --> 00:23:19,760
ah no no not usually

648
00:23:24,390 --> 00:23:22,000
like usually

649
00:23:27,990 --> 00:23:26,070
if there's a fight if so there's an

650
00:23:29,590 --> 00:23:28,000
argument and you go off to your own

651
00:23:31,270 --> 00:23:29,600
place then you think if there's anything

652
00:23:33,909 --> 00:23:31,280
in your life that you've done that may

653
00:23:36,230 --> 00:23:33,919
have brought this argument up

654
00:23:37,909 --> 00:23:36,240
not neces so it's not necessarily about

655
00:23:39,750 --> 00:23:37,919
actually the argument because sometimes

656
00:23:42,149 --> 00:23:39,760
the argument has nothing to do with why

657
00:23:44,950 --> 00:23:42,159
like often the argument has nothing to

658
00:23:46,789 --> 00:23:44,960
do with actually what's wrong

659
00:23:49,110 --> 00:23:46,799
maybe you're

660
00:23:50,950 --> 00:23:49,120
late on on something and you bark at

661
00:23:52,950 --> 00:23:50,960
your wife when she comes in it has

662
00:23:55,669 --> 00:23:52,960
nothing to do with you being angry at

663
00:23:57,590 --> 00:23:55,679
your wife or that she intruded it was

664
00:24:00,390 --> 00:23:57,600
that you you have a project that you're

665
00:24:02,310 --> 00:24:00,400
late on and so you have to look you have

666
00:24:05,270 --> 00:24:02,320
to separate and find out if there's a

667
00:24:10,549 --> 00:24:05,280
cause to this argument that you

668
00:24:15,750 --> 00:24:14,070
come up right then and

669
00:24:18,630 --> 00:24:15,760
shown you that there was something to

670
00:24:19,830 --> 00:24:18,640
pay attention to it's something you know

671
00:24:21,350 --> 00:24:19,840
an argument is something to pay

672
00:24:23,190 --> 00:24:21,360
attention to

673
00:24:24,950 --> 00:24:23,200
because you might learn something

674
00:24:26,149 --> 00:24:24,960
and those are gifts

675
00:24:27,750 --> 00:24:26,159
because the next time you won't have

676
00:24:31,029 --> 00:24:27,760
that same argument it won't come up

677
00:24:33,029 --> 00:24:31,039
anymore if you can figure it out did you

678
00:24:35,830 --> 00:24:33,039
pray each morning

679
00:24:37,750 --> 00:24:35,840
before your illness no

680
00:24:41,110 --> 00:24:37,760
no i didn't but

681
00:24:43,510 --> 00:24:41,120
my grandmothers were both religious

682
00:24:45,510 --> 00:24:43,520
and

683
00:24:47,350 --> 00:24:45,520
if i had a religious question i could

684
00:24:49,110 --> 00:24:47,360
ask them

685
00:24:50,789 --> 00:24:49,120
um so

686
00:24:52,789 --> 00:24:50,799
there was it wasn't like there was no

687
00:24:55,510 --> 00:24:52,799
god for me before

688
00:24:59,669 --> 00:24:55,520
and i've and i've been to church and

689
00:25:02,549 --> 00:24:59,679
i and my mother died in 2007

690
00:25:04,470 --> 00:25:02,559
i pray to her

691
00:25:07,029 --> 00:25:04,480
daily i would say so

692
00:25:09,590 --> 00:25:07,039
my praying has changed since i was ill

693
00:25:11,190 --> 00:25:09,600
it's become

694
00:25:12,470 --> 00:25:11,200
more dogmatic

695
00:25:13,510 --> 00:25:12,480
and

696
00:25:16,149 --> 00:25:13,520
uh

697
00:25:18,230 --> 00:25:16,159
yeah it's become more dogmatic and also

698
00:25:20,149 --> 00:25:18,240
i have a relationship with a personal

699
00:25:21,110 --> 00:25:20,159
god now that i

700
00:25:25,190 --> 00:25:21,120
that has

701
00:25:26,950 --> 00:25:25,200
always been spiritual

702
00:25:30,310 --> 00:25:26,960
i'm more spiritual now i take it more

703
00:25:31,190 --> 00:25:30,320
seriously now i understand it better now

704
00:25:34,230 --> 00:25:31,200
um

705
00:25:38,789 --> 00:25:36,470
not an option i don't think it's an

706
00:25:41,430 --> 00:25:38,799
option for people to live a life a

707
00:25:43,669 --> 00:25:41,440
fulfilling life

708
00:25:45,669 --> 00:25:43,679
meaning that people cannot live a

709
00:25:48,230 --> 00:25:45,679
fulfilling life if they don't have god

710
00:25:49,269 --> 00:25:48,240
in their life yeah i i think so uh you

711
00:25:51,669 --> 00:25:49,279
know as

712
00:25:55,029 --> 00:25:51,679
a spiritual relationship

713
00:25:56,870 --> 00:25:55,039
with uh higher power is necessary

714
00:25:59,350 --> 00:25:56,880
what's the difference between religion

715
00:26:02,630 --> 00:25:59,360
and spirituality

716
00:26:05,510 --> 00:26:02,640
well religion is dogma

717
00:26:07,590 --> 00:26:05,520
you know so the church and and

718
00:26:10,710 --> 00:26:07,600
all the readings the bible all of that

719
00:26:12,710 --> 00:26:10,720
that's dogma spirituality is a feeling

720
00:26:14,470 --> 00:26:12,720
that god is there with you

721
00:26:17,590 --> 00:26:14,480
and that if you give him space he'll

722
00:26:19,830 --> 00:26:17,600
tell you what's right and wrong

723
00:26:23,190 --> 00:26:19,840
that's spirituality

724
00:26:25,750 --> 00:26:23,200
and so you could and they overlap

725
00:26:27,190 --> 00:26:25,760
they can't overlap but for some people

726
00:26:29,190 --> 00:26:27,200
they don't

727
00:26:30,149 --> 00:26:29,200
uh there's an intellectual understanding

728
00:26:31,990 --> 00:26:30,159
of god

729
00:26:34,390 --> 00:26:32,000
that's not a spiritual that's not a

730
00:26:35,830 --> 00:26:34,400
personal understanding of god

731
00:26:40,230 --> 00:26:35,840
and i think you need a personal

732
00:26:46,149 --> 00:26:43,590
make your move yourself forward

733
00:26:47,669 --> 00:26:46,159
in in your understanding of yourself in

734
00:26:49,190 --> 00:26:47,679
the world do you mind taking people

735
00:26:52,310 --> 00:26:49,200
through a timeline of your illness as

736
00:26:54,230 --> 00:26:52,320
well as the course of your recovery nope

737
00:26:57,590 --> 00:26:54,240
i don't mind i'm getting used to it it's

738
00:26:59,029 --> 00:26:57,600
been two years so i'm getting used to it

739
00:27:00,230 --> 00:26:59,039
um

740
00:27:03,350 --> 00:27:00,240
i had no

741
00:27:05,430 --> 00:27:03,360
indication that i was ill

742
00:27:07,750 --> 00:27:05,440
i'd gone on a walking tour with my

743
00:27:09,909 --> 00:27:07,760
sister to croatia

744
00:27:13,190 --> 00:27:09,919
we walked for 10 days

745
00:27:15,430 --> 00:27:13,200
and it was wonderful

746
00:27:16,710 --> 00:27:15,440
i flew home and two weeks later i got a

747
00:27:22,789 --> 00:27:16,720
fever

748
00:27:24,630 --> 00:27:22,799
flu of some sort

749
00:27:27,430 --> 00:27:24,640
and the fever went away

750
00:27:28,950 --> 00:27:27,440
but the digestive gastrointestinal

751
00:27:32,230 --> 00:27:28,960
trouble stayed

752
00:27:34,470 --> 00:27:32,240
and so i eventually went to the doctor

753
00:27:35,830 --> 00:27:34,480
and he told me maybe i had a parasite i

754
00:27:37,669 --> 00:27:35,840
thought oh yeah

755
00:27:40,470 --> 00:27:37,679
that's i should have thought of that

756
00:27:42,870 --> 00:27:40,480
so he gave me a a test and no i didn't

757
00:27:44,710 --> 00:27:42,880
have a parasite oh okay so then he

758
00:27:47,190 --> 00:27:44,720
thought well then let's do a

759
00:27:49,510 --> 00:27:47,200
an ultrasound of your abdomen uh have

760
00:27:51,350 --> 00:27:49,520
you do a colonoscopy you know all this

761
00:27:53,750 --> 00:27:51,360
stuff we'll just look

762
00:27:55,590 --> 00:27:53,760
and i had an ultrasound and i could see

763
00:27:57,269 --> 00:27:55,600
the screen and i saw a shadow on my

764
00:28:00,230 --> 00:27:57,279
kidney

765
00:28:04,389 --> 00:28:03,350
eventually i had a bacterial problem

766
00:28:06,710 --> 00:28:04,399
that i

767
00:28:07,510 --> 00:28:06,720
fixed before i had surgery

768
00:28:10,310 --> 00:28:07,520
but

769
00:28:12,870 --> 00:28:10,320
they told me i had a

770
00:28:14,630 --> 00:28:12,880
renal cell carcinoma which is a

771
00:28:17,350 --> 00:28:14,640
very

772
00:28:20,870 --> 00:28:17,360
common cancer and people often have it

773
00:28:22,870 --> 00:28:20,880
and it doesn't kill you because it grows

774
00:28:24,950 --> 00:28:22,880
one millimeter a year well yeah really

775
00:28:26,470 --> 00:28:24,960
really really slow

776
00:28:28,630 --> 00:28:26,480
and so then he they said don't worry

777
00:28:30,870 --> 00:28:28,640
about it you can i was traveling with my

778
00:28:32,470 --> 00:28:30,880
husband on a book tour so

779
00:28:33,669 --> 00:28:32,480
he's they said whenever you have time

780
00:28:35,990 --> 00:28:33,679
you can come in the hospital and have

781
00:28:37,269 --> 00:28:36,000
that surgery

782
00:28:39,669 --> 00:28:37,279
um i

783
00:28:43,590 --> 00:28:39,679
flew back during our book tour and had a

784
00:28:45,510 --> 00:28:43,600
biopsy and i flew back for blood i i had

785
00:28:48,389 --> 00:28:45,520
to fly back a couple of times in

786
00:28:50,789 --> 00:28:48,399
preparation for surgery and then march

787
00:28:53,029 --> 00:28:50,799
of 2019

788
00:28:56,070 --> 00:28:53,039
i went into the hospital

789
00:28:58,470 --> 00:28:56,080
and i had a partial nephrectomy

790
00:29:01,909 --> 00:28:58,480
of my left kidney and i left the

791
00:29:02,950 --> 00:29:01,919
hospital and for six weeks um

792
00:29:04,389 --> 00:29:02,960
my

793
00:29:06,789 --> 00:29:04,399
family members

794
00:29:08,630 --> 00:29:06,799
gathered around me and i got better and

795
00:29:10,710 --> 00:29:08,640
by six weeks i was walking to the

796
00:29:14,549 --> 00:29:10,720
waterfront and back to

797
00:29:16,470 --> 00:29:14,559
the annex i was healthy and

798
00:29:18,230 --> 00:29:16,480
i went to my post-op appointment with my

799
00:29:20,789 --> 00:29:18,240
husband and

800
00:29:22,230 --> 00:29:20,799
the doctor was

801
00:29:24,470 --> 00:29:22,240
nervous

802
00:29:26,470 --> 00:29:24,480
and

803
00:29:28,710 --> 00:29:26,480
loathe to talk to us

804
00:29:30,230 --> 00:29:28,720
and when he talked to us he told me that

805
00:29:31,269 --> 00:29:30,240
i had a year to live that they were

806
00:29:33,669 --> 00:29:31,279
wrong

807
00:29:35,590 --> 00:29:33,679
and that i had uh something called a

808
00:29:37,269 --> 00:29:35,600
bellini tumor

809
00:29:40,389 --> 00:29:37,279
which is

810
00:29:42,149 --> 00:29:40,399
very rare in fact so rare that no that

811
00:29:44,630 --> 00:29:42,159
they have no data on how to treat it

812
00:29:47,110 --> 00:29:44,640
because people die too quickly

813
00:29:48,630 --> 00:29:47,120
and by then it was in one of my lymph

814
00:29:50,950 --> 00:29:48,640
nodes

815
00:29:52,310 --> 00:29:50,960
a lymph node adjacent to my kidney and

816
00:29:56,070 --> 00:29:52,320
they said we have to you have to have

817
00:29:58,789 --> 00:29:56,080
surgery as soon as possible

818
00:30:01,269 --> 00:29:58,799
and this was around march 2019 this was

819
00:30:04,310 --> 00:30:01,279
april end of april

820
00:30:06,789 --> 00:30:04,320
so then june or may 9th i had

821
00:30:08,710 --> 00:30:06,799
another surgery but before i went into

822
00:30:10,070 --> 00:30:08,720
surgery the night before i went into

823
00:30:11,190 --> 00:30:10,080
surgery

824
00:30:14,070 --> 00:30:11,200
um

825
00:30:17,110 --> 00:30:14,080
i meditated

826
00:30:20,070 --> 00:30:17,120
my husband and i were really nervous

827
00:30:22,950 --> 00:30:20,080
super nervous it's no wonder because

828
00:30:25,269 --> 00:30:22,960
surgery was their only treatment they

829
00:30:28,789 --> 00:30:25,279
said radiation and chemo they had no

830
00:30:31,190 --> 00:30:28,799
idea that there was no good result

831
00:30:34,710 --> 00:30:31,200
except for if they got it in time

832
00:30:36,630 --> 00:30:34,720
so my only chance was this surgery

833
00:30:37,990 --> 00:30:36,640
and so

834
00:30:40,149 --> 00:30:38,000
i had done a

835
00:30:42,470 --> 00:30:40,159
very interesting meditation when i was

836
00:30:45,029 --> 00:30:42,480
studying to be a massage therapist years

837
00:30:45,909 --> 00:30:45,039
ago when i was in my 20s

838
00:30:47,430 --> 00:30:45,919
where

839
00:30:49,510 --> 00:30:47,440
i had

840
00:30:51,909 --> 00:30:49,520
a cyst on one of my ovaries and they

841
00:30:52,870 --> 00:30:51,919
thought it was cancer it wasn't

842
00:30:55,029 --> 00:30:52,880
but

843
00:30:58,310 --> 00:30:55,039
i was working with this cool

844
00:31:00,630 --> 00:30:58,320
artist massage therapist guy and he said

845
00:31:01,830 --> 00:31:00,640
that he was going to take me on a

846
00:31:05,190 --> 00:31:01,840
journey

847
00:31:06,789 --> 00:31:05,200
and i could go see what i could find out

848
00:31:11,029 --> 00:31:06,799
about this

849
00:31:14,230 --> 00:31:11,039
so we did a meditation where i

850
00:31:19,590 --> 00:31:14,240
breathed in white light

851
00:31:21,830 --> 00:31:19,600
it ended up to be like a string of light

852
00:31:23,350 --> 00:31:21,840
that wrapped around my ovary that was

853
00:31:25,669 --> 00:31:23,360
spinning around it was light it was

854
00:31:27,909 --> 00:31:25,679
spinning around the ovary and i was

855
00:31:28,870 --> 00:31:27,919
asking what was wrong

856
00:31:33,590 --> 00:31:28,880
and if

857
00:31:35,350 --> 00:31:33,600
if you know if there was trouble there

858
00:31:36,070 --> 00:31:35,360
that it was okay it could come talk to

859
00:31:37,269 --> 00:31:36,080
me

860
00:31:38,789 --> 00:31:37,279
and so i was really trying to

861
00:31:40,149 --> 00:31:38,799
communicate

862
00:31:42,710 --> 00:31:40,159
and

863
00:31:45,909 --> 00:31:42,720
about two hours after this

864
00:31:48,230 --> 00:31:45,919
uh i had a pain out the side of my rib

865
00:31:50,389 --> 00:31:48,240
cage quite a

866
00:31:51,909 --> 00:31:50,399
real noticeable pain out the side of my

867
00:31:55,830 --> 00:31:51,919
rib cage and then

868
00:31:58,870 --> 00:31:55,840
we stopped and i went in for my surgery

869
00:32:01,190 --> 00:31:58,880
and what they told me was the size of a

870
00:32:03,430 --> 00:32:01,200
softball

871
00:32:04,230 --> 00:32:03,440
was the side of size of like a ping-pong

872
00:32:05,029 --> 00:32:04,240
ball

873
00:32:07,909 --> 00:32:05,039
so

874
00:32:11,669 --> 00:32:07,919
whatever it was and it what it was was a

875
00:32:13,269 --> 00:32:11,679
dermoid cyst which has hair and skin and

876
00:32:14,710 --> 00:32:13,279
teeth in it

877
00:32:15,590 --> 00:32:14,720
so

878
00:32:18,710 --> 00:32:15,600
teeth

879
00:32:21,190 --> 00:32:18,720
and skin and hair

880
00:32:23,190 --> 00:32:21,200
it's kind of like maybe a

881
00:32:24,389 --> 00:32:23,200
uh

882
00:32:25,590 --> 00:32:24,399
a twin

883
00:32:29,669 --> 00:32:25,600
or

884
00:32:32,710 --> 00:32:29,679
grew when i got pregnant

885
00:32:35,110 --> 00:32:32,720
so it seemed like the hormone change in

886
00:32:37,350 --> 00:32:35,120
my body when i was pregnant

887
00:32:39,350 --> 00:32:37,360
made it grow but i think it was there

888
00:32:40,830 --> 00:32:39,360
already

889
00:32:43,830 --> 00:32:40,840
so it was something

890
00:32:45,430 --> 00:32:43,840
that was waiting to to develop but i

891
00:32:47,590 --> 00:32:45,440
don't it's uh

892
00:32:50,710 --> 00:32:47,600
they're they're quite rare anyway i had

893
00:32:52,149 --> 00:32:50,720
that out i was fine

894
00:32:57,110 --> 00:32:52,159
but it was an interesting experience

895
00:32:57,120 --> 00:33:03,590
touched something inside myself that was

896
00:33:07,830 --> 00:33:05,990
troublesome and i had calmed it down

897
00:33:09,350 --> 00:33:07,840
some in this meditation it seemed that

898
00:33:11,190 --> 00:33:09,360
way so the night before my surgery i

899
00:33:13,350 --> 00:33:11,200
thought let's do that again so i got

900
00:33:15,909 --> 00:33:13,360
jordan to sit at my feet

901
00:33:18,389 --> 00:33:15,919
and move his hands like this up

902
00:33:21,990 --> 00:33:18,399
the insides of my feet

903
00:33:24,870 --> 00:33:22,000
which in reflexology is your

904
00:33:26,789 --> 00:33:24,880
spine your br your birth canal

905
00:33:29,669 --> 00:33:26,799
and so it was very it was touching it

906
00:33:31,750 --> 00:33:29,679
yeah very rhythmically up one sec up my

907
00:33:33,269 --> 00:33:31,760
feet and then down my feet

908
00:33:34,310 --> 00:33:33,279
and i said this is going to be about a

909
00:33:36,070 --> 00:33:34,320
two hour

910
00:33:37,990 --> 00:33:36,080
get comfortable because this is about a

911
00:33:39,269 --> 00:33:38,000
two hour

912
00:33:41,430 --> 00:33:39,279
meditation

913
00:33:43,430 --> 00:33:41,440
and so then i

914
00:33:45,669 --> 00:33:43,440
settled in to

915
00:33:47,430 --> 00:33:45,679
bring in the white light and i decided

916
00:33:49,269 --> 00:33:47,440
what i would do because i'd had a lot of

917
00:33:50,789 --> 00:33:49,279
letters come from

918
00:33:53,430 --> 00:33:50,799
all the people that we'd met when we

919
00:33:55,909 --> 00:33:53,440
traveled all over the world

920
00:33:58,549 --> 00:33:55,919
and i had a lot of a lot of prayers and

921
00:34:01,590 --> 00:33:58,559
a lot of letters come to me when i was

922
00:34:03,590 --> 00:34:01,600
first diagnosed with cancer and so i

923
00:34:05,029 --> 00:34:03,600
lined up all those people in my mind on

924
00:34:09,270 --> 00:34:05,039
a beach

925
00:34:10,950 --> 00:34:09,280
them pray and i breathed in all their

926
00:34:15,750 --> 00:34:10,960
prayers

927
00:34:16,869 --> 00:34:15,760
them down to my kidney

928
00:34:18,790 --> 00:34:16,879
yeah

929
00:34:20,149 --> 00:34:18,800
and i first i thought with a white light

930
00:34:23,190 --> 00:34:20,159
and then i thought well this is cancer

931
00:34:26,069 --> 00:34:23,200
let's use a gold light because this has

932
00:34:27,190 --> 00:34:26,079
got to be powerful so i breathed in gold

933
00:34:29,589 --> 00:34:27,200
light

934
00:34:31,829 --> 00:34:29,599
and did you exhale any black muck or

935
00:34:33,589 --> 00:34:31,839
were you just breathing in i didn't i

936
00:34:35,430 --> 00:34:33,599
didn't breathe out any black mug but

937
00:34:37,190 --> 00:34:35,440
after two hours

938
00:34:43,430 --> 00:34:37,200
of

939
00:34:44,950 --> 00:34:43,440
little blackness that i found in my

940
00:34:47,030 --> 00:34:44,960
kidney

941
00:34:48,629 --> 00:34:47,040
it seemed like a part of me was looking

942
00:34:50,230 --> 00:34:48,639
the other way and it turned away from me

943
00:34:52,149 --> 00:34:50,240
it looks it was my like my cells had

944
00:34:59,190 --> 00:34:52,159
turned away

945
00:35:01,349 --> 00:34:59,200
against me rather than with me that's

946
00:35:02,870 --> 00:35:01,359
how it felt to me and i realized

947
00:35:05,430 --> 00:35:02,880
somewhere in the meditation the cancer

948
00:35:07,109 --> 00:35:05,440
is much too much for one person

949
00:35:10,069 --> 00:35:07,119
that it's something that i had to give

950
00:35:12,310 --> 00:35:10,079
back to the universe and then a black

951
00:35:16,630 --> 00:35:12,320
kind of soot

952
00:35:18,390 --> 00:35:16,640
came out spun out of me and and went up

953
00:35:22,150 --> 00:35:18,400
to

954
00:35:24,390 --> 00:35:22,160
where it could be better dealt with

955
00:35:26,470 --> 00:35:24,400
because it was too much for me

956
00:35:28,150 --> 00:35:26,480
and then we went to bed

957
00:35:29,990 --> 00:35:28,160
and got up in the morning and we were

958
00:35:33,829 --> 00:35:30,000
calm

959
00:35:35,910 --> 00:35:33,839
i told the surgeon what had happened the

960
00:35:38,310 --> 00:35:35,920
night before in my meditation he said he

961
00:35:39,750 --> 00:35:38,320
took that intention into the

962
00:35:42,310 --> 00:35:39,760
surgery and

963
00:35:43,990 --> 00:35:42,320
the surgery went really well

964
00:35:45,910 --> 00:35:44,000
everything they took out nothing was

965
00:35:48,310 --> 00:35:45,920
adhered to anything else they didn't

966
00:35:51,430 --> 00:35:48,320
have to do any extra cutting they just

967
00:35:54,390 --> 00:35:51,440
pulled out the rest of the kidney and

968
00:35:55,990 --> 00:35:54,400
all the lymph from my left side

969
00:36:00,230 --> 00:35:56,000
and so

970
00:36:03,750 --> 00:36:00,240
i was left with uh my remaining kidney

971
00:36:05,589 --> 00:36:03,760
and all the lymph on the right side

972
00:36:07,430 --> 00:36:05,599
because your abdomen is just full of

973
00:36:09,990 --> 00:36:07,440
lamp lymph nodes

974
00:36:13,750 --> 00:36:10,000
and they don't there's they go i don't

975
00:36:15,910 --> 00:36:13,760
know but they go along the blood vessels

976
00:36:17,670 --> 00:36:15,920
uh the blood vessels are attached to the

977
00:36:20,870 --> 00:36:17,680
heart the lymph isn't attached to any

978
00:36:22,630 --> 00:36:20,880
pump at all the lymph is moved by your

979
00:36:27,190 --> 00:36:22,640
movement

980
00:36:29,349 --> 00:36:27,200
right and so the lymph is really the um

981
00:36:31,750 --> 00:36:29,359
you know that's the sweeping mechanism

982
00:36:34,870 --> 00:36:31,760
mechanism of the body to clean out all

983
00:36:36,710 --> 00:36:34,880
the toxins and so i lost that on my left

984
00:36:38,630 --> 00:36:36,720
side

985
00:36:41,190 --> 00:36:38,640
but that went really well

986
00:36:44,390 --> 00:36:41,200
and i was getting better

987
00:36:47,510 --> 00:36:46,310
but then i started my feet started to

988
00:36:51,910 --> 00:36:47,520
swell

989
00:36:54,230 --> 00:36:51,920
and so we called the hospital

990
00:36:56,069 --> 00:36:54,240
and talked to the nurses on the unit

991
00:36:58,150 --> 00:36:56,079
that i had stayed on that i had had my

992
00:37:00,390 --> 00:36:58,160
surgery on and they said well you know

993
00:37:03,270 --> 00:37:00,400
you've had a very major surgery it's no

994
00:37:05,990 --> 00:37:03,280
wonder that you might have some swelling

995
00:37:08,470 --> 00:37:06,000
and it was we were like oh okay

996
00:37:10,230 --> 00:37:08,480
it seems extreme but okay

997
00:37:14,630 --> 00:37:10,240
and so then i went to my six week

998
00:37:16,390 --> 00:37:14,640
appointment and uh my off my uh post got

999
00:37:19,430 --> 00:37:16,400
posted were looking like you were

1000
00:37:22,790 --> 00:37:19,440
pregnant on one side or was it a bulb

1001
00:37:25,589 --> 00:37:22,800
or what no it was my feet especially my

1002
00:37:28,310 --> 00:37:25,599
left foot were swollen up my lower legs

1003
00:37:29,510 --> 00:37:28,320
were swollen up my thighs were swollen

1004
00:37:32,470 --> 00:37:29,520
up

1005
00:37:35,430 --> 00:37:32,480
on one side or both

1006
00:37:39,589 --> 00:37:35,440
i was filling up with fluid

1007
00:37:42,550 --> 00:37:39,599
was a leak in my abdomen there was a

1008
00:37:45,349 --> 00:37:42,560
leak in the lymph nodes i see so all of

1009
00:37:47,990 --> 00:37:45,359
my fluids from my body were leaking into

1010
00:37:48,829 --> 00:37:48,000
my abdominal cavity

1011
00:37:52,390 --> 00:37:48,839
and

1012
00:37:54,630 --> 00:37:52,400
then accumulating in my body it would be

1013
00:37:56,150 --> 00:37:54,640
as if there's a hole in one of the pipes

1014
00:37:58,069 --> 00:37:56,160
in your body and the exact pipes are

1015
00:38:00,230 --> 00:37:58,079
where the limps yeah except for the

1016
00:38:02,710 --> 00:38:00,240
lymph is like a spider web that's how

1017
00:38:05,910 --> 00:38:02,720
small it is

1018
00:38:08,390 --> 00:38:05,920
very very very very impossible thing to

1019
00:38:10,310 --> 00:38:08,400
to work with and they had tried to

1020
00:38:12,230 --> 00:38:10,320
close off every

1021
00:38:13,829 --> 00:38:12,240
i mean they had to take it all out so

1022
00:38:15,349 --> 00:38:13,839
they had to close off every little

1023
00:38:17,510 --> 00:38:15,359
spider web

1024
00:38:19,910 --> 00:38:17,520
and they missed one

1025
00:38:20,630 --> 00:38:19,920
there's a surprise

1026
00:38:24,230 --> 00:38:20,640
right

1027
00:38:27,030 --> 00:38:25,349
and you know

1028
00:38:29,829 --> 00:38:27,040
the lymph they've they've done a lot of

1029
00:38:30,870 --> 00:38:29,839
work with hearts and the lymph around

1030
00:38:32,550 --> 00:38:30,880
the heart

1031
00:38:34,230 --> 00:38:32,560
and they get leaks sometimes and they

1032
00:38:36,470 --> 00:38:34,240
really know how to fix it

1033
00:38:37,750 --> 00:38:36,480
but a leak in the abdomen is something

1034
00:38:39,190 --> 00:38:37,760
that is

1035
00:38:40,710 --> 00:38:39,200
because they weren't doing radical

1036
00:38:42,790 --> 00:38:40,720
surgeries you know what you used to hear

1037
00:38:45,109 --> 00:38:42,800
oh someone's got cancer oh it's in their

1038
00:38:46,630 --> 00:38:45,119
lymph they're gonna die right that's

1039
00:38:48,390 --> 00:38:46,640
what you'd hear when i was younger

1040
00:38:50,550 --> 00:38:48,400
that's what you would hear

1041
00:38:52,230 --> 00:38:50,560
now they can take out the lymph

1042
00:38:53,910 --> 00:38:52,240
which is radical

1043
00:38:57,109 --> 00:38:53,920
they didn't do that

1044
00:38:58,550 --> 00:38:57,119
and to and to have that go well

1045
00:39:00,470 --> 00:38:58,560
you know i don't know what the chances

1046
00:39:02,710 --> 00:39:00,480
are for it to go well

1047
00:39:05,190 --> 00:39:02,720
anyway it didn't go well for me

1048
00:39:09,430 --> 00:39:05,200
and i was in the hospital

1049
00:39:11,349 --> 00:39:09,440
twice the first time was when they

1050
00:39:12,829 --> 00:39:11,359
was when i went in and my

1051
00:39:16,790 --> 00:39:12,839
limbs were all full of

1052
00:39:19,829 --> 00:39:16,800
fluid and they drained off my abdomen

1053
00:39:22,310 --> 00:39:19,839
um they put a they put a shunt into my

1054
00:39:24,870 --> 00:39:22,320
abdomen and they drained off i can't

1055
00:39:26,069 --> 00:39:24,880
remember something like seven liters of

1056
00:39:27,910 --> 00:39:26,079
fluid

1057
00:39:29,990 --> 00:39:27,920
what would be the prognosis of this

1058
00:39:31,349 --> 00:39:30,000
death as well

1059
00:39:33,109 --> 00:39:31,359
well they didn't know what it was until

1060
00:39:34,870 --> 00:39:33,119
they drained it off one of the

1061
00:39:37,670 --> 00:39:34,880
oncologists told me he thought i had

1062
00:39:39,030 --> 00:39:37,680
cancer the liver or cancer of the

1063
00:39:40,390 --> 00:39:39,040
peritoneum

1064
00:39:43,910 --> 00:39:40,400
the the

1065
00:39:45,670 --> 00:39:43,920
abdominal cavity which didn't sound good

1066
00:39:46,790 --> 00:39:45,680
yeah that's not pleasant to hear

1067
00:39:48,870 --> 00:39:46,800
if you didn't do a test and he's

1068
00:39:51,349 --> 00:39:48,880
speculating well it could be cancer off

1069
00:39:53,030 --> 00:39:51,359
your liver i know i've had that i've had

1070
00:39:54,870 --> 00:39:53,040
that happen often i'm kind of getting

1071
00:39:57,349 --> 00:39:54,880
used to doctors doing that i think you

1072
00:39:59,910 --> 00:39:57,359
do well if you've had my history of

1073
00:40:02,710 --> 00:39:59,920
health problems then you get used to

1074
00:40:05,030 --> 00:40:02,720
doctors randomly

1075
00:40:08,470 --> 00:40:05,040
suggesting things that they don't have

1076
00:40:09,589 --> 00:40:08,480
any reason to suggest anyway

1077
00:40:13,990 --> 00:40:09,599
when they

1078
00:40:16,790 --> 00:40:14,000
milky colored which is the proper color

1079
00:40:19,990 --> 00:40:16,800
for fluid from the lymph

1080
00:40:23,270 --> 00:40:20,000
because the lymph picks up fat

1081
00:40:25,270 --> 00:40:23,280
and the white color of milk is is fat

1082
00:40:28,150 --> 00:40:25,280
so it looked like milk

1083
00:40:31,670 --> 00:40:28,160
there was no blood in it there was no

1084
00:40:33,670 --> 00:40:31,680
so it wasn't cancerous it was fluid from

1085
00:40:36,150 --> 00:40:33,680
my lymph system

1086
00:40:39,030 --> 00:40:36,160
but a lot of fluid so it was really

1087
00:40:40,630 --> 00:40:39,040
pouring out of me um people who are with

1088
00:40:42,710 --> 00:40:40,640
me probably know how much was flowing

1089
00:40:44,230 --> 00:40:42,720
out of me but it was it's hard for me to

1090
00:40:46,870 --> 00:40:44,240
remember

1091
00:40:48,950 --> 00:40:46,880
it was just i had a i had are you on

1092
00:40:50,550 --> 00:40:48,960
medication or were you just so out of it

1093
00:40:53,270 --> 00:40:50,560
because you didn't i think i was on

1094
00:40:56,230 --> 00:40:53,280
medication i was on morphine

1095
00:40:59,270 --> 00:40:56,240
for quite a bit of the time

1096
00:41:01,430 --> 00:40:59,280
and they may have put me on morphine

1097
00:41:03,190 --> 00:41:01,440
when they put the bag in

1098
00:41:05,109 --> 00:41:03,200
to keep me comfortable

1099
00:41:06,710 --> 00:41:05,119
because it wasn't comfortable

1100
00:41:08,069 --> 00:41:06,720
okay

1101
00:41:10,950 --> 00:41:08,079
so then it would have been it was kind

1102
00:41:11,829 --> 00:41:10,960
of foggy for me to know how how much i

1103
00:41:14,309 --> 00:41:11,839
was

1104
00:41:16,950 --> 00:41:14,319
losing a day but a nurse used to come to

1105
00:41:19,030 --> 00:41:16,960
my house once they sent me home

1106
00:41:20,710 --> 00:41:19,040
she would come at noon and drain off a

1107
00:41:24,550 --> 00:41:20,720
liter of fluid

1108
00:41:26,550 --> 00:41:24,560
a day and i was still very uncomfortable

1109
00:41:28,309 --> 00:41:26,560
i still was

1110
00:41:30,309 --> 00:41:28,319
you know when i

1111
00:41:33,030 --> 00:41:30,319
before i started draining i looked like

1112
00:41:35,430 --> 00:41:33,040
i was seven months pregnant now

1113
00:41:37,910 --> 00:41:35,440
now it was still kind of a

1114
00:41:39,829 --> 00:41:37,920
pregnant look but

1115
00:41:41,270 --> 00:41:39,839
wasn't as extreme

1116
00:41:44,870 --> 00:41:41,280
but i wasn't

1117
00:41:49,829 --> 00:41:47,589
rest it needed to heal

1118
00:41:51,750 --> 00:41:49,839
because there was so much fluid there

1119
00:41:54,150 --> 00:41:51,760
were doctors that speculated that if i

1120
00:41:56,309 --> 00:41:54,160
didn't have any fluid in my abdomen if i

1121
00:41:57,990 --> 00:41:56,319
drained off all the fluid

1122
00:41:59,829 --> 00:41:58,000
that it would dry and then it would

1123
00:42:01,190 --> 00:41:59,839
possibly heal because that does happen

1124
00:42:03,030 --> 00:42:01,200
sometimes as an aside where is this

1125
00:42:05,109 --> 00:42:03,040
fluid coming from because in a regular

1126
00:42:06,390 --> 00:42:05,119
person when i say regular i mean someone

1127
00:42:08,390 --> 00:42:06,400
doesn't have this issue

1128
00:42:09,670 --> 00:42:08,400
yeah they there's some

1129
00:42:11,510 --> 00:42:09,680
there's some uniform in their

1130
00:42:13,589 --> 00:42:11,520
distribution of fluid

1131
00:42:15,750 --> 00:42:13,599
now yours is pooling and then it's

1132
00:42:17,430 --> 00:42:15,760
leaving so is it getting replaced so

1133
00:42:19,109 --> 00:42:17,440
then that means it was taken from some

1134
00:42:20,230 --> 00:42:19,119
other part of your body to be placed in

1135
00:42:21,829 --> 00:42:20,240
your abdomen

1136
00:42:23,109 --> 00:42:21,839
i was eating and i was getting thinner

1137
00:42:25,349 --> 00:42:23,119
and thinner

1138
00:42:28,790 --> 00:42:25,359
i took a picture of myself

1139
00:42:31,349 --> 00:42:28,800
in one day and i thought

1140
00:42:32,550 --> 00:42:31,359
i had no body fat left at all my

1141
00:42:35,030 --> 00:42:32,560
my uh

1142
00:42:37,510 --> 00:42:35,040
scapulas were sticking off my back

1143
00:42:38,710 --> 00:42:37,520
my breasts had lost all the

1144
00:42:40,309 --> 00:42:38,720
all of the

1145
00:42:43,430 --> 00:42:40,319
everything was gone

1146
00:42:45,510 --> 00:42:43,440
my bum was gone my breasts were gone

1147
00:42:48,309 --> 00:42:45,520
my cheeks were gone they were sunken

1148
00:42:51,510 --> 00:42:48,319
like i was down to 90 pounds so i had

1149
00:42:53,990 --> 00:42:51,520
lost 30 pounds probably

1150
00:42:59,750 --> 00:42:56,390
i was getting desperate

1151
00:43:01,589 --> 00:42:59,760
and i was also not only was i on it

1152
00:43:04,150 --> 00:43:01,599
turned out not only was i on morphine

1153
00:43:05,589 --> 00:43:04,160
but because all my bodily fluids were

1154
00:43:08,150 --> 00:43:05,599
running out of me

1155
00:43:11,270 --> 00:43:08,160
i was becoming malnourished

1156
00:43:14,950 --> 00:43:11,280
and so my thought processes were getting

1157
00:43:18,470 --> 00:43:16,790
but i was at home

1158
00:43:20,470 --> 00:43:18,480
with everybody trying to help me but it

1159
00:43:22,309 --> 00:43:20,480
was really hard to know

1160
00:43:23,670 --> 00:43:22,319
what to do

1161
00:43:25,750 --> 00:43:23,680
because the doctors didn't know what to

1162
00:43:28,470 --> 00:43:25,760
do here was this this woman she had a

1163
00:43:31,750 --> 00:43:28,480
hole in her lymph in her abdomen and we

1164
00:43:35,270 --> 00:43:33,990
they looked i had so many scans of

1165
00:43:36,790 --> 00:43:35,280
different so at this point they're

1166
00:43:38,829 --> 00:43:36,800
simply draining you and you can't

1167
00:43:40,950 --> 00:43:38,839
continue like this for much

1168
00:43:42,950 --> 00:43:40,960
longer um

1169
00:43:44,309 --> 00:43:42,960
or did they tell you yeah i recall you

1170
00:43:45,829 --> 00:43:44,319
saying i don't think i could they said

1171
00:43:48,870 --> 00:43:45,839
you can live like this and you thought

1172
00:43:50,069 --> 00:43:48,880
hey that's fine i can live like this

1173
00:43:52,630 --> 00:43:50,079
well

1174
00:43:55,109 --> 00:43:52,640
i could when i i got a t when i went in

1175
00:43:56,950 --> 00:43:55,119
for the five weeks

1176
00:43:57,829 --> 00:43:56,960
which was right before i finally got

1177
00:43:59,990 --> 00:43:57,839
better

1178
00:44:01,990 --> 00:44:00,000
they changed i didn't eat anymore at

1179
00:44:04,790 --> 00:44:02,000
this point now they put a

1180
00:44:05,750 --> 00:44:04,800
a picc line near my heart and they fed

1181
00:44:08,630 --> 00:44:05,760
me

1182
00:44:10,550 --> 00:44:08,640
tpn which is a nutrition that you feed

1183
00:44:12,790 --> 00:44:10,560
people who can't use their digestive

1184
00:44:13,589 --> 00:44:12,800
system anymore and you can live like

1185
00:44:20,069 --> 00:44:13,599
that

1186
00:44:21,670 --> 00:44:20,079
what they do is they get nutrition at

1187
00:44:24,069 --> 00:44:21,680
night when they're sleeping and in the

1188
00:44:25,670 --> 00:44:24,079
day they don't eat anything

1189
00:44:28,069 --> 00:44:25,680
they get all their nutrition right

1190
00:44:31,510 --> 00:44:28,079
straight to their heart

1191
00:44:33,349 --> 00:44:31,520
and so what happened if you were to eat

1192
00:44:35,190 --> 00:44:33,359
um well

1193
00:44:37,030 --> 00:44:35,200
what how what they thought with me was

1194
00:44:39,910 --> 00:44:37,040
if they didn't go through the lymph

1195
00:44:42,309 --> 00:44:39,920
system that maybe it would get better

1196
00:44:43,829 --> 00:44:42,319
but it didn't and so for five weeks we

1197
00:44:44,870 --> 00:44:43,839
were trying to

1198
00:44:47,109 --> 00:44:44,880
heal it

1199
00:44:48,470 --> 00:44:47,119
in ways that wouldn't be cutting me open

1200
00:44:51,109 --> 00:44:48,480
again

1201
00:44:53,030 --> 00:44:51,119
and we weren't able to

1202
00:44:53,910 --> 00:44:53,040
find anything that worked

1203
00:44:55,829 --> 00:44:53,920
so

1204
00:44:57,990 --> 00:44:55,839
by the time i had been in the hospital

1205
00:44:59,829 --> 00:44:58,000
for five weeks

1206
00:45:02,710 --> 00:44:59,839
i was

1207
00:45:05,670 --> 00:45:02,720
nutrition

1208
00:45:07,430 --> 00:45:05,680
that's when i started to pray

1209
00:45:09,030 --> 00:45:07,440
right that's when you started i thought

1210
00:45:10,150 --> 00:45:09,040
you said that you started with queenie

1211
00:45:11,670 --> 00:45:10,160
queenie came to give you something

1212
00:45:13,430 --> 00:45:11,680
that's when queenie when i was in the

1213
00:45:14,870 --> 00:45:13,440
hospital for the last time this five

1214
00:45:16,710 --> 00:45:14,880
weeks

1215
00:45:18,309 --> 00:45:16,720
see my my electrolytes went out of

1216
00:45:20,150 --> 00:45:18,319
balance and i went into emergency

1217
00:45:21,030 --> 00:45:20,160
because my potassium was out of whack

1218
00:45:22,230 --> 00:45:21,040
and then you're going to have a heart

1219
00:45:23,750 --> 00:45:22,240
attack and that was going to be the end

1220
00:45:25,910 --> 00:45:23,760
of me

1221
00:45:27,829 --> 00:45:25,920
i had lost so many body fluids that my

1222
00:45:29,030 --> 00:45:27,839
electrolytes were going out of whack and

1223
00:45:30,069 --> 00:45:29,040
that's when you have a heart attack and

1224
00:45:33,670 --> 00:45:30,079
die

1225
00:45:35,589 --> 00:45:33,680
so i was i was nearly dead but not quite

1226
00:45:39,030 --> 00:45:35,599
when i got into the hospital and then

1227
00:45:41,510 --> 00:45:39,040
they pumped me full of fluids until

1228
00:45:43,670 --> 00:45:41,520
i was my electrolytes balanced and then

1229
00:45:44,790 --> 00:45:43,680
they gave me a tpn diet

1230
00:45:46,630 --> 00:45:44,800
until

1231
00:45:48,710 --> 00:45:46,640
i had enough nutrients for my brain to

1232
00:45:50,309 --> 00:45:48,720
turn back on and when that happened i

1233
00:45:51,750 --> 00:45:50,319
had been in the hospital for three or

1234
00:45:54,069 --> 00:45:51,760
four days

1235
00:45:55,750 --> 00:45:54,079
that's when queenie came to the hospital

1236
00:45:57,910 --> 00:45:55,760
and she said oh yeah who is queenie to

1237
00:46:00,790 --> 00:45:57,920
you so she came up she came up to visit

1238
00:46:02,870 --> 00:46:00,800
queenie stopped by our house a couple of

1239
00:46:04,550 --> 00:46:02,880
years ago maybe even three or four years

1240
00:46:07,030 --> 00:46:04,560
ago

1241
00:46:09,510 --> 00:46:07,040
she was a fan of my husband's and she

1242
00:46:10,630 --> 00:46:09,520
wanted some she she's uh she's a

1243
00:46:11,510 --> 00:46:10,640
catholic

1244
00:46:12,829 --> 00:46:11,520
she

1245
00:46:14,470 --> 00:46:12,839
um

1246
00:46:20,230 --> 00:46:14,480
lives

1247
00:46:21,430 --> 00:46:20,240
on uoft campus she is like a dorm dawn

1248
00:46:25,270 --> 00:46:21,440
for

1249
00:46:26,870 --> 00:46:25,280
catholic girls at u of t

1250
00:46:29,270 --> 00:46:26,880
but she also does other things she's

1251
00:46:32,630 --> 00:46:29,280
very interested in family she's very

1252
00:46:34,390 --> 00:46:32,640
interested in schooling and family and

1253
00:46:37,270 --> 00:46:34,400
things that have gone

1254
00:46:39,829 --> 00:46:37,280
i think she contacted us when

1255
00:46:44,390 --> 00:46:39,839
our prime minister

1256
00:46:45,829 --> 00:46:44,400
kathleen wynne

1257
00:46:47,109 --> 00:46:45,839
i think that's when she first came to

1258
00:46:49,190 --> 00:46:47,119
our house because she was concerned

1259
00:46:51,030 --> 00:46:49,200
about the

1260
00:46:52,710 --> 00:46:51,040
curriculum

1261
00:46:55,270 --> 00:46:52,720
and the things that were happening in

1262
00:46:57,030 --> 00:46:55,280
schools and she was

1263
00:46:59,190 --> 00:46:57,040
i don't know she was just this friendly

1264
00:47:02,150 --> 00:46:59,200
little asian woman

1265
00:47:06,790 --> 00:47:04,950
she came to the she came to the hospital

1266
00:47:08,150 --> 00:47:06,800
and she brought me a rosary and she said

1267
00:47:10,550 --> 00:47:08,160
do you want to pray

1268
00:47:12,950 --> 00:47:10,560
i said sure

1269
00:47:14,150 --> 00:47:12,960
why not let's pray

1270
00:47:17,750 --> 00:47:14,160
so

1271
00:47:20,150 --> 00:47:17,760
i grabbed my i had my bag in my pool and

1272
00:47:22,550 --> 00:47:20,160
we'd go down in the toronto general

1273
00:47:24,550 --> 00:47:22,560
there's a an atrium with it's four

1274
00:47:25,910 --> 00:47:24,560
stories high and it's full of plants and

1275
00:47:28,390 --> 00:47:25,920
sunshine

1276
00:47:30,790 --> 00:47:28,400
a little bit like being outside

1277
00:47:33,589 --> 00:47:30,800
so i could go down there

1278
00:47:35,990 --> 00:47:33,599
you must love that i loved that that was

1279
00:47:38,790 --> 00:47:36,000
like life you know to me that was good

1280
00:47:41,109 --> 00:47:38,800
so i'd go down there and i would sit

1281
00:47:42,230 --> 00:47:41,119
with her for two hours and

1282
00:47:43,829 --> 00:47:42,240
cry

1283
00:47:45,510 --> 00:47:43,839
and pray

1284
00:47:47,910 --> 00:47:45,520
okay so what gave you this idea to do

1285
00:47:50,470 --> 00:47:47,920
this on a regular basis did you already

1286
00:47:52,870 --> 00:47:50,480
know that talk therapy was curative in a

1287
00:47:55,670 --> 00:47:52,880
psychological or physical sense

1288
00:47:57,270 --> 00:47:55,680
no no she just she just showed up and

1289
00:47:59,430 --> 00:47:57,280
asked me if i wanted to do it and i just

1290
00:48:01,349 --> 00:47:59,440
said yes

1291
00:48:03,430 --> 00:48:01,359
so

1292
00:48:07,589 --> 00:48:03,440
i think she knew

1293
00:48:10,470 --> 00:48:07,599
because you know there's a there's a

1294
00:48:12,390 --> 00:48:10,480
in in catholicism there are

1295
00:48:14,630 --> 00:48:12,400
prayer

1296
00:48:16,710 --> 00:48:14,640
um

1297
00:48:18,550 --> 00:48:16,720
organized prayer

1298
00:48:20,470 --> 00:48:18,560
sessions that people can set up or you

1299
00:48:23,030 --> 00:48:20,480
can you can belong to a part of the

1300
00:48:23,829 --> 00:48:23,040
church that's all about prayer

1301
00:48:27,190 --> 00:48:23,839
so

1302
00:48:28,710 --> 00:48:27,200
i belong to a part of the church

1303
00:48:31,430 --> 00:48:28,720
that's

1304
00:48:33,829 --> 00:48:31,440
all about prayer and it's about

1305
00:48:36,150 --> 00:48:33,839
just everyday people praying for life

1306
00:48:37,990 --> 00:48:36,160
that's what they do is they pray

1307
00:48:40,870 --> 00:48:38,000
and so

1308
00:48:42,710 --> 00:48:40,880
that's what i do as i pray

1309
00:48:44,309 --> 00:48:42,720
and

1310
00:48:46,630 --> 00:48:44,319
so you went down with her to the toronto

1311
00:48:48,630 --> 00:48:46,640
general atrium and every day you talked

1312
00:48:50,390 --> 00:48:48,640
for two dollars i mean sorry everyday

1313
00:48:52,549 --> 00:48:50,400
you talked not for two dollars for two

1314
00:48:54,870 --> 00:48:52,559
for two hours she didn't charge anything

1315
00:48:57,030 --> 00:48:54,880
nope she just came gave me a gave me a

1316
00:48:59,430 --> 00:48:57,040
rosary and we prayed

1317
00:49:02,630 --> 00:48:59,440
and then i would go back upstairs and

1318
00:49:03,750 --> 00:49:02,640
play cards with my family and visit with

1319
00:49:05,829 --> 00:49:03,760
them and

1320
00:49:08,870 --> 00:49:05,839
i just stayed there for five weeks

1321
00:49:10,549 --> 00:49:08,880
praying and then just before i went to

1322
00:49:14,870 --> 00:49:10,559
pennsylvania

1323
00:49:19,990 --> 00:49:19,030
heal this hole i had in my abdomen

1324
00:49:20,870 --> 00:49:20,000
um

1325
00:49:26,710 --> 00:49:20,880
i

1326
00:49:29,510 --> 00:49:26,720
and so

1327
00:49:31,589 --> 00:49:29,520
uh a priest that works with

1328
00:49:33,670 --> 00:49:31,599
father eric he works at u of t

1329
00:49:36,309 --> 00:49:33,680
he came over to our apartment

1330
00:49:37,829 --> 00:49:36,319
and he blessed me

1331
00:49:39,910 --> 00:49:37,839
and he

1332
00:49:42,870 --> 00:49:39,920
gave me the uh

1333
00:49:44,390 --> 00:49:42,880
a novena for the ill which are nine days

1334
00:49:47,430 --> 00:49:44,400
of prayer

1335
00:49:51,670 --> 00:49:47,440
for someone who's deathly ill

1336
00:49:54,309 --> 00:49:51,680
and told me to meditate on gratitude

1337
00:49:56,790 --> 00:49:54,319
and off i went to

1338
00:49:59,190 --> 00:49:56,800
university of pennsylvania

1339
00:50:01,750 --> 00:49:59,200
with my with a lot with plenty of my

1340
00:50:03,750 --> 00:50:01,760
family along with me

1341
00:50:05,270 --> 00:50:03,760
and uh

1342
00:50:06,630 --> 00:50:05,280
they

1343
00:50:08,470 --> 00:50:06,640
were supposed to be

1344
00:50:10,470 --> 00:50:08,480
the best in the world

1345
00:50:13,990 --> 00:50:10,480
and i'm sure they are

1346
00:50:16,069 --> 00:50:14,000
they did an mri guided

1347
00:50:17,270 --> 00:50:16,079
they poked little needles in me

1348
00:50:20,870 --> 00:50:17,280
with dye

1349
00:50:24,630 --> 00:50:22,309
and they said now and then the poppy

1350
00:50:26,630 --> 00:50:24,640
seed oil will irritate

1351
00:50:28,309 --> 00:50:26,640
will irritate the system and and if

1352
00:50:31,910 --> 00:50:28,319
there's a

1353
00:50:34,549 --> 00:50:31,920
um a leak somewhere it will be irritated

1354
00:50:36,309 --> 00:50:34,559
enough that the body will put down

1355
00:50:41,109 --> 00:50:36,319
um

1356
00:50:44,950 --> 00:50:41,119
tissue is necessary i see i see just

1357
00:50:48,470 --> 00:50:45,990
and so

1358
00:50:50,549 --> 00:50:48,480
they looked for the leak couldn't find

1359
00:50:53,030 --> 00:50:50,559
it so sorry the poppy seed oil is for

1360
00:50:55,990 --> 00:50:53,040
imaging purposes the poppy seed oil is

1361
00:50:59,270 --> 00:50:57,190
i see

1362
00:51:02,790 --> 00:50:59,280
okay and then on the mri they can see

1363
00:51:05,349 --> 00:51:02,800
plumes come out if there's a leak

1364
00:51:08,230 --> 00:51:05,359
ah cool cool cool yeah cool cool cool

1365
00:51:09,750 --> 00:51:08,240
very cool very cool

1366
00:51:10,790 --> 00:51:09,760
very cool

1367
00:51:13,030 --> 00:51:10,800
so they tried to look for it they

1368
00:51:14,710 --> 00:51:13,040
couldn't find it they couldn't find it

1369
00:51:15,750 --> 00:51:14,720
that means the poppy seed oil worked

1370
00:51:21,030 --> 00:51:15,760
instantly

1371
00:51:24,150 --> 00:51:21,040
couldn't find it i was still leaking

1372
00:51:26,870 --> 00:51:24,160
i was leaking it was thursday

1373
00:51:28,150 --> 00:51:26,880
by saturday it had kind of slowed down

1374
00:51:31,750 --> 00:51:28,160
the leaking

1375
00:51:33,910 --> 00:51:31,760
already once before and then found out

1376
00:51:38,230 --> 00:51:33,920
it was just a mechanical

1377
00:51:40,790 --> 00:51:38,240
failure of the of the bag apparatus that

1378
00:51:42,630 --> 00:51:40,800
i had hooked to me so uh

1379
00:51:45,109 --> 00:51:42,640
right so then so yeah it was false

1380
00:51:47,349 --> 00:51:45,119
positive so no no that so this time when

1381
00:51:49,670 --> 00:51:47,359
it slowed down we were going so is this

1382
00:51:50,470 --> 00:51:49,680
better or is this just because things

1383
00:51:52,710 --> 00:51:50,480
aren't

1384
00:51:54,390 --> 00:51:52,720
properly cared for here or like what's

1385
00:51:57,109 --> 00:51:54,400
going on what's going on

1386
00:51:59,109 --> 00:51:57,119
and they had told me that the only way

1387
00:52:01,030 --> 00:51:59,119
to tell if

1388
00:52:03,349 --> 00:52:01,040
the lymph had healed would be to eat

1389
00:52:05,990 --> 00:52:03,359
some fat so at that point i was eating

1390
00:52:08,950 --> 00:52:06,000
food again but no fat

1391
00:52:11,109 --> 00:52:08,960
a no fat diet like i had done

1392
00:52:13,349 --> 00:52:11,119
before worried that would

1393
00:52:15,430 --> 00:52:13,359
when irritate the lymph yep because the

1394
00:52:17,109 --> 00:52:15,440
lymph it works with fat

1395
00:52:19,270 --> 00:52:17,119
so if you don't put any fat down the

1396
00:52:21,349 --> 00:52:19,280
lymph isn't working

1397
00:52:22,790 --> 00:52:21,359
and you want to limit what the lymph is

1398
00:52:24,390 --> 00:52:22,800
doing if you have

1399
00:52:25,990 --> 00:52:24,400
uh-huh but you also mentioned that the

1400
00:52:28,390 --> 00:52:26,000
lymph serves as a garbage collector in

1401
00:52:31,030 --> 00:52:28,400
your body so no matter what it would be

1402
00:52:33,430 --> 00:52:31,040
working but at a much lesser rate yeah

1403
00:52:35,510 --> 00:52:33,440
right okay much lesser weight

1404
00:52:37,430 --> 00:52:35,520
okay yeah

1405
00:52:39,109 --> 00:52:37,440
so on

1406
00:52:40,790 --> 00:52:39,119
saturday i thought well i might as well

1407
00:52:42,549 --> 00:52:40,800
eat some fat and see if this worked or

1408
00:52:45,030 --> 00:52:42,559
not because on monday they're going to

1409
00:52:47,670 --> 00:52:45,040
open me up and do some more major

1410
00:52:50,630 --> 00:52:47,680
surgery to see what they can find

1411
00:52:52,150 --> 00:52:50,640
so i might as well find out if it worked

1412
00:52:54,710 --> 00:52:52,160
before of that

1413
00:52:57,990 --> 00:52:54,720
and so okay i had

1414
00:53:02,950 --> 00:52:58,000
i don't know i think i had eggs

1415
00:53:08,069 --> 00:53:05,910
and as far as i could tell there was no

1416
00:53:09,910 --> 00:53:08,079
milky looking fluid in my bag it still

1417
00:53:12,470 --> 00:53:09,920
looked like urine

1418
00:53:13,990 --> 00:53:12,480
it was just yellow

1419
00:53:16,230 --> 00:53:14,000
and so the next morning i was at

1420
00:53:17,589 --> 00:53:16,240
breakfast and an intern and a nurse came

1421
00:53:19,430 --> 00:53:17,599
and they said well you know i think you

1422
00:53:22,230 --> 00:53:19,440
better eat some fat because we have to

1423
00:53:27,109 --> 00:53:23,270
if

1424
00:53:29,829 --> 00:53:27,119
what's going on there and so i said well

1425
00:53:31,990 --> 00:53:29,839
i already ate some fat last night

1426
00:53:33,510 --> 00:53:32,000
they said oh okay well like show me

1427
00:53:35,190 --> 00:53:33,520
what's in the bag and i pulled it up and

1428
00:53:38,230 --> 00:53:35,200
it was clear

1429
00:53:40,549 --> 00:53:39,349
this is

1430
00:53:42,790 --> 00:53:40,559
you know

1431
00:53:44,950 --> 00:53:42,800
this isn't what we expected

1432
00:53:45,750 --> 00:53:44,960
we're very surprised

1433
00:53:47,510 --> 00:53:45,760
your

1434
00:53:49,510 --> 00:53:47,520
leak seems to have

1435
00:53:51,190 --> 00:53:49,520
closed up and you're better

1436
00:53:52,710 --> 00:53:51,200
you can go home

1437
00:53:54,470 --> 00:53:52,720
so then they followed me for about a

1438
00:53:56,150 --> 00:53:54,480
month told me just to walk

1439
00:53:57,750 --> 00:53:56,160
not do anything else not lift anything

1440
00:53:59,270 --> 00:53:57,760
or anything and

1441
00:54:00,549 --> 00:53:59,280
they called me

1442
00:54:01,750 --> 00:54:00,559
often

1443
00:54:05,349 --> 00:54:01,760
and then after a month they said well

1444
00:54:08,870 --> 00:54:06,549
so

1445
00:54:11,510 --> 00:54:08,880
i prayed then the

1446
00:54:13,349 --> 00:54:11,520
novena for five days

1447
00:54:15,270 --> 00:54:13,359
and then i was better

1448
00:54:17,270 --> 00:54:15,280
why weren't you allowed to lift what

1449
00:54:19,349 --> 00:54:17,280
were they worried what happened

1450
00:54:21,430 --> 00:54:19,359
oh i think just any they didn't want to

1451
00:54:26,549 --> 00:54:21,440
rupture if there was a new

1452
00:54:30,150 --> 00:54:28,470
you mentioned before that when you were

1453
00:54:32,069 --> 00:54:30,160
terminally ill

1454
00:54:34,950 --> 00:54:32,079
you felt like

1455
00:54:37,109 --> 00:54:34,960
well i've lived a good life so it's not

1456
00:54:39,190 --> 00:54:37,119
that bad if i die it's okay in many

1457
00:54:40,790 --> 00:54:39,200
respects but then you looked at the

1458
00:54:42,630 --> 00:54:40,800
suffering of your family and thought

1459
00:54:44,549 --> 00:54:42,640
okay this matters at least it matters to

1460
00:54:45,910 --> 00:54:44,559
them yes no

1461
00:54:47,589 --> 00:54:45,920
you mentioned that in a positive light

1462
00:54:49,510 --> 00:54:47,599
but when i was thinking

1463
00:54:51,270 --> 00:54:49,520
there's plenty of people and i count

1464
00:54:53,349 --> 00:54:51,280
myself as a part of this group where i

1465
00:54:55,670 --> 00:54:53,359
used to be where i used to be depressed

1466
00:54:57,430 --> 00:54:55,680
and in fact i was suicidal and

1467
00:54:59,510 --> 00:54:57,440
it's not

1468
00:55:01,829 --> 00:54:59,520
it's harrowing to think that

1469
00:55:03,589 --> 00:55:01,839
to know that the main reason you're

1470
00:55:05,270 --> 00:55:03,599
staying around is

1471
00:55:07,829 --> 00:55:05,280
to lessen the suffering of others rather

1472
00:55:09,349 --> 00:55:07,839
than your own internal locus of a desire

1473
00:55:11,190 --> 00:55:09,359
to live

1474
00:55:11,990 --> 00:55:11,200
but you mentioned it in a positive light

1475
00:55:13,589 --> 00:55:12,000
so

1476
00:55:14,790 --> 00:55:13,599
can you expound

1477
00:55:18,390 --> 00:55:14,800
sure

1478
00:55:23,190 --> 00:55:18,400
so um i did think when i was diagnosed

1479
00:55:24,870 --> 00:55:23,200
that i had lived for uh my my aunts died

1480
00:55:26,710 --> 00:55:24,880
my aunts and uncles

1481
00:55:28,150 --> 00:55:26,720
died young

1482
00:55:29,349 --> 00:55:28,160
and so i thought oh i guess i'm one of

1483
00:55:33,510 --> 00:55:29,359
them

1484
00:55:35,990 --> 00:55:33,520
and and

1485
00:55:37,510 --> 00:55:36,000
and i can

1486
00:55:39,270 --> 00:55:37,520
i can do that

1487
00:55:40,230 --> 00:55:39,280
i'd always been a very independent

1488
00:55:41,990 --> 00:55:40,240
person

1489
00:55:43,510 --> 00:55:42,000
making my own decisions and getting on

1490
00:55:45,270 --> 00:55:43,520
with life and this was just another

1491
00:55:47,430 --> 00:55:45,280
decision that i was making that's how it

1492
00:55:49,430 --> 00:55:47,440
felt to me that this was another

1493
00:55:52,150 --> 00:55:49,440
decision that i was making and that i

1494
00:55:54,870 --> 00:55:52,160
was tough and i could do it

1495
00:55:56,789 --> 00:55:54,880
so that was my

1496
00:55:58,390 --> 00:55:56,799
plan and then

1497
00:56:00,710 --> 00:55:58,400
i went home from the hospital and i went

1498
00:56:02,549 --> 00:56:00,720
to tell my children

1499
00:56:06,230 --> 00:56:02,559
and when i told them

1500
00:56:08,390 --> 00:56:06,240
the prognosis they looked so hurt

1501
00:56:10,309 --> 00:56:08,400
that something inside me

1502
00:56:12,230 --> 00:56:10,319
completely changed

1503
00:56:13,829 --> 00:56:12,240
and i realized oh no i'm not looking at

1504
00:56:17,349 --> 00:56:13,839
this properly

1505
00:56:18,789 --> 00:56:17,359
this isn't this isn't my decision

1506
00:56:20,710 --> 00:56:18,799
because i always wondered about people

1507
00:56:22,789 --> 00:56:20,720
who had gone through

1508
00:56:24,789 --> 00:56:22,799
many cancer treatments

1509
00:56:27,270 --> 00:56:24,799
you know many times going through

1510
00:56:29,030 --> 00:56:27,280
chemotherapy and radiation and

1511
00:56:32,309 --> 00:56:29,040
the the things that people go through to

1512
00:56:33,589 --> 00:56:32,319
stay alive why would they do that

1513
00:56:35,190 --> 00:56:33,599
you know i've always kind of wondered

1514
00:56:37,670 --> 00:56:35,200
why they would do that

1515
00:56:38,950 --> 00:56:37,680
and i had thought no i'm not doing that

1516
00:56:42,230 --> 00:56:38,960
if i'm going to die then i'm going to

1517
00:56:46,230 --> 00:56:43,990
but then i went home and i told my kids

1518
00:56:49,670 --> 00:56:46,240
and i thought

1519
00:56:54,950 --> 00:56:51,430
and my husband too but it was really

1520
00:56:56,549 --> 00:56:54,960
looking at my kids they look so hurt

1521
00:56:59,030 --> 00:56:56,559
that it's not my

1522
00:57:02,390 --> 00:56:59,040
decision so i'm going to do whatever i

1523
00:57:03,349 --> 00:57:02,400
can to stay to stay alive

1524
00:57:07,430 --> 00:57:03,359
it's

1525
00:57:10,470 --> 00:57:07,440
i realize that's being alive is uh

1526
00:57:11,990 --> 00:57:10,480
the focus is about service

1527
00:57:14,309 --> 00:57:12,000
it's not it's about what you can do for

1528
00:57:15,670 --> 00:57:14,319
others

1529
00:57:20,710 --> 00:57:15,680
and

1530
00:57:24,950 --> 00:57:22,630
that's an unselfish concern for the

1531
00:57:27,030 --> 00:57:24,960
welfare of people who aren't you

1532
00:57:28,710 --> 00:57:27,040
yes you know that's that's christ's

1533
00:57:31,510 --> 00:57:28,720
story

1534
00:57:35,030 --> 00:57:31,520
it's his suffering and his

1535
00:57:42,069 --> 00:57:39,030
you know it's his sacrifice that we

1536
00:57:43,829 --> 00:57:42,079
live by and aspire to

1537
00:57:46,549 --> 00:57:43,839
and so

1538
00:57:49,349 --> 00:57:46,559
i decided that i would be grateful for

1539
00:57:54,150 --> 00:57:51,190
that i would be grateful for any answers

1540
00:57:55,910 --> 00:57:54,160
that came my way

1541
00:57:57,829 --> 00:57:55,920
but

1542
00:58:01,190 --> 00:57:57,839
i would also be

1543
00:58:06,950 --> 00:58:03,430
and so i decided that that was the only

1544
00:58:10,549 --> 00:58:06,960
way i could go forward and

1545
00:58:14,150 --> 00:58:12,309
and be able to accept it can you tell me

1546
00:58:16,150 --> 00:58:14,160
the month and the year that you were

1547
00:58:17,270 --> 00:58:16,160
first diagnosed and that you made that

1548
00:58:19,190 --> 00:58:17,280
change

1549
00:58:21,349 --> 00:58:19,200
from when i was not caring too much you

1550
00:58:23,109 --> 00:58:21,359
mean for for the uh

1551
00:58:26,630 --> 00:58:23,119
when did you make the when did you make

1552
00:58:28,470 --> 00:58:26,640
the change to realizing that this is

1553
00:58:29,430 --> 00:58:28,480
i'm looking at this incorrectly in your

1554
00:58:31,750 --> 00:58:29,440
words

1555
00:58:32,710 --> 00:58:31,760
okay so i had

1556
00:58:36,230 --> 00:58:32,720
uh

1557
00:58:40,390 --> 00:58:36,240
i had got the prognosis on i think april

1558
00:58:42,549 --> 00:58:40,400
26th so it was right right around then

1559
00:58:43,589 --> 00:58:42,559
that's when i changed

1560
00:58:47,109 --> 00:58:43,599
my mind

1561
00:58:51,670 --> 00:58:48,630
as a gift

1562
00:58:53,589 --> 00:58:51,680
from god or do you like for example some

1563
00:58:55,510 --> 00:58:53,599
people like your husband suggest that we

1564
00:58:57,030 --> 00:58:55,520
have to go through hell before

1565
00:58:58,630 --> 00:58:57,040
some elevation

1566
00:58:59,510 --> 00:58:58,640
so do you see it as a gift or do you see

1567
00:59:01,829 --> 00:58:59,520
it as

1568
00:59:05,510 --> 00:59:01,839
as a as the opposite like a like it's

1569
00:59:07,190 --> 00:59:05,520
from satan or it's a test maybe

1570
00:59:08,870 --> 00:59:07,200
and if it's a gift you said yes

1571
00:59:10,549 --> 00:59:08,880
how is it a gift it's a gift but it's

1572
00:59:13,270 --> 00:59:10,559
also a test

1573
00:59:16,069 --> 00:59:13,280
you know because it's you know um i i

1574
00:59:19,109 --> 00:59:16,079
think that i i kind of think that we're

1575
00:59:21,190 --> 00:59:19,119
given challenges in our life to you know

1576
00:59:23,589 --> 00:59:21,200
to better ourselves and to be

1577
00:59:25,109 --> 00:59:23,599
better people were given challenges this

1578
00:59:27,270 --> 00:59:25,119
was a challenge

1579
00:59:30,230 --> 00:59:27,280
i was given

1580
00:59:33,270 --> 00:59:30,240
and i didn't quite look at it

1581
00:59:35,910 --> 00:59:33,280
in a way that was going to be

1582
00:59:38,309 --> 00:59:37,109
i gave up

1583
00:59:39,990 --> 00:59:38,319
at first

1584
00:59:41,430 --> 00:59:40,000
before i realized that it was a

1585
00:59:43,270 --> 00:59:41,440
challenge

1586
00:59:45,190 --> 00:59:43,280
that i could

1587
00:59:46,870 --> 00:59:45,200
that i had a way

1588
00:59:51,829 --> 00:59:46,880
to

1589
00:59:53,990 --> 00:59:51,839
challenge that i wasn't aware of when i

1590
00:59:55,990 --> 00:59:54,000
first heard the news i think i was

1591
00:59:57,750 --> 00:59:56,000
probably in shock but still i don't

1592
00:59:59,190 --> 00:59:57,760
think i was aware

1593
01:00:01,510 --> 00:59:59,200
that

1594
01:00:03,829 --> 01:00:01,520
uh i had to

1595
01:00:06,069 --> 01:00:03,839
change my attitude and

1596
01:00:09,190 --> 01:00:06,079
that that would be

1597
01:00:10,870 --> 01:00:09,200
the way forward that it would be much

1598
01:00:12,549 --> 01:00:10,880
less painful

1599
01:00:15,109 --> 01:00:12,559
if i was to

1600
01:00:16,870 --> 01:00:15,119
take it on as a challenge

1601
01:00:18,549 --> 01:00:16,880
and also

1602
01:00:19,990 --> 01:00:18,559
accept it for

1603
01:00:22,390 --> 01:00:20,000
however it went

1604
01:00:23,910 --> 01:00:22,400
much less painful for who

1605
01:00:25,829 --> 01:00:23,920
for me

1606
01:00:27,670 --> 01:00:25,839
and probably for everybody else yeah i

1607
01:00:29,750 --> 01:00:27,680
imagine for everyone else for sure what

1608
01:00:32,630 --> 01:00:29,760
i'm wondering is and for me

1609
01:00:35,190 --> 01:00:32,640
yeah because you said look i'm tough i

1610
01:00:37,750 --> 01:00:35,200
can die right now because

1611
01:00:40,470 --> 01:00:37,760
in some ways i can face that door and

1612
01:00:42,950 --> 01:00:40,480
jump off that cliff courageously

1613
01:00:46,710 --> 01:00:42,960
face it head-on yeah now what i'm

1614
01:00:48,230 --> 01:00:46,720
wondering is you also said

1615
01:00:49,750 --> 01:00:48,240
seemingly unrelated that you had this

1616
01:00:51,829 --> 01:00:49,760
fight with your husband some small

1617
01:00:53,990 --> 01:00:51,839
bicker yeah and

1618
01:00:56,309 --> 01:00:54,000
and you retreated this was in the

1619
01:00:57,750 --> 01:00:56,319
kintore college video that you retreated

1620
01:00:59,510 --> 01:00:57,760
for whatever reason i don't remember

1621
01:01:01,670 --> 01:00:59,520
what it was but let's imagine at the

1622
01:01:03,829 --> 01:01:01,680
time you thought well i'm retreating

1623
01:01:05,030 --> 01:01:03,839
because i'm tough but then you realize

1624
01:01:06,630 --> 01:01:05,040
through some self-analysis i'm

1625
01:01:08,630 --> 01:01:06,640
retreating because i'm hurt from my

1626
01:01:09,589 --> 01:01:08,640
childhood i'm just making this up this

1627
01:01:12,150 --> 01:01:09,599
last part

1628
01:01:15,030 --> 01:01:12,160
okay so then did you realize did you

1629
01:01:16,870 --> 01:01:15,040
come to some realization about

1630
01:01:18,789 --> 01:01:16,880
when you said to yourself well i'm tough

1631
01:01:21,589 --> 01:01:18,799
so i can face death that that wasn't

1632
01:01:22,549 --> 01:01:21,599
actually courage it was masking some

1633
01:01:25,910 --> 01:01:22,559
other

1634
01:01:26,950 --> 01:01:25,920
hurt and that the proper path was to

1635
01:01:29,349 --> 01:01:26,960
face it

1636
01:01:31,829 --> 01:01:29,359
head-on in terms of living

1637
01:01:35,030 --> 01:01:31,839
yeah i think so i think that

1638
01:01:36,870 --> 01:01:35,040
my idea of being independent and

1639
01:01:38,630 --> 01:01:36,880
tough was

1640
01:01:40,309 --> 01:01:38,640
something that i've learned to do as a

1641
01:01:45,430 --> 01:01:40,319
coping mechanism

1642
01:01:50,829 --> 01:01:47,030
for fear

1643
01:01:55,270 --> 01:01:52,789
insufficiency you know

1644
01:01:57,190 --> 01:01:55,280
to to uh

1645
01:01:59,670 --> 01:01:57,200
gather all my strength

1646
01:02:01,270 --> 01:01:59,680
and have self-will take me through

1647
01:02:04,069 --> 01:02:01,280
things

1648
01:02:06,549 --> 01:02:04,079
uh i realized that that's well i was up

1649
01:02:11,109 --> 01:02:06,559
against something bigger than that

1650
01:02:15,430 --> 01:02:13,270
i needed uh human aid wasn't wasn't

1651
01:02:17,670 --> 01:02:15,440
going to do it

1652
01:02:19,589 --> 01:02:17,680
i needed i needed

1653
01:02:21,270 --> 01:02:19,599
spiritual aid

1654
01:02:23,510 --> 01:02:21,280
what was i'm asking exactly it was

1655
01:02:25,750 --> 01:02:23,520
masking what hurt or

1656
01:02:27,589 --> 01:02:25,760
um was it masking oh i don't know

1657
01:02:29,030 --> 01:02:27,599
because i think it's something i learned

1658
01:02:31,349 --> 01:02:29,040
from the time i was young to be

1659
01:02:33,589 --> 01:02:31,359
independent and to be courageous in the

1660
01:02:38,710 --> 01:02:33,599
face of

1661
01:02:40,630 --> 01:02:38,720
you know and and that can you know that

1662
01:02:42,069 --> 01:02:40,640
can take you a long ways

1663
01:02:44,789 --> 01:02:42,079
it really can

1664
01:02:47,750 --> 01:02:44,799
but when you're faced with your own

1665
01:02:51,990 --> 01:02:47,760
mortality it isn't enough

1666
01:02:55,430 --> 01:02:53,589
and in fact

1667
01:02:57,270 --> 01:02:55,440
it's sufficient in my day-to-day life as

1668
01:02:59,510 --> 01:02:57,280
well

1669
01:03:02,309 --> 01:02:59,520
and i didn't know that before

1670
01:03:04,789 --> 01:03:02,319
just how true that was i didn't know it

1671
01:03:06,630 --> 01:03:04,799
but now i understand it better

1672
01:03:09,030 --> 01:03:06,640
this practice of gratitude you carry it

1673
01:03:09,829 --> 01:03:09,040
with you so that it's a daily habit or

1674
01:03:13,510 --> 01:03:09,839
yeah

1675
01:03:14,789 --> 01:03:13,520
what sorts of

1676
01:03:16,069 --> 01:03:14,799
i don't know if you did it today like

1677
01:03:17,510 --> 01:03:16,079
you just sit and you think what am i

1678
01:03:19,270 --> 01:03:17,520
grateful for but if you did or if you

1679
01:03:20,390 --> 01:03:19,280
did it recently what sorts of items go

1680
01:03:22,150 --> 01:03:20,400
on that list

1681
01:03:23,589 --> 01:03:22,160
so i have a gratitude list that

1682
01:03:25,430 --> 01:03:23,599
sometimes i share with others on

1683
01:03:27,029 --> 01:03:25,440
whatsapp there's a gratitude list

1684
01:03:27,990 --> 01:03:27,039
whatsapp group

1685
01:03:29,910 --> 01:03:28,000
and

1686
01:03:31,589 --> 01:03:29,920
you belong to quite a few groups yeah i

1687
01:03:32,870 --> 01:03:31,599
belong to lots of groups well that's

1688
01:03:34,390 --> 01:03:32,880
interesting because you were independent

1689
01:03:35,430 --> 01:03:34,400
the group is the opposite of that and

1690
01:03:37,190 --> 01:03:35,440
then you've

1691
01:03:39,670 --> 01:03:37,200
you've come to realize the salutary

1692
01:03:41,829 --> 01:03:39,680
nature in the group as well as obviously

1693
01:03:43,750 --> 01:03:41,839
you knew it before so what's

1694
01:03:45,670 --> 01:03:43,760
health-giving about the independence

1695
01:03:47,270 --> 01:03:45,680
that's super interesting oh and i and

1696
01:03:49,589 --> 01:03:47,280
when i was dying

1697
01:03:51,589 --> 01:03:49,599
or thought i was dying

1698
01:03:53,190 --> 01:03:51,599
i talked to god and i said god if you

1699
01:03:58,630 --> 01:03:53,200
let me live i'll share

1700
01:04:02,710 --> 01:04:00,789
i would have said no otherwise

1701
01:04:04,309 --> 01:04:02,720
well first of all thank you so much oh

1702
01:04:05,109 --> 01:04:04,319
you're very welcome thank you for

1703
01:04:07,109 --> 01:04:05,119
inviting me

1704
01:04:09,270 --> 01:04:07,119
yeah i have i recall you saying that you

1705
01:04:10,789 --> 01:04:09,280
spoke to some koreans

1706
01:04:12,309 --> 01:04:10,799
over zoom at least that was in the

1707
01:04:13,750 --> 01:04:12,319
contour video you said i spoke to them

1708
01:04:15,589 --> 01:04:13,760
they made a joke like it was over zoom

1709
01:04:16,789 --> 01:04:15,599
and not i didn't go or maybe maybe

1710
01:04:18,630 --> 01:04:16,799
afghanistan

1711
01:04:20,950 --> 01:04:18,640
yeah okay okay i think have you is it

1712
01:04:22,870 --> 01:04:20,960
hasn't just been somewhat informal just

1713
01:04:25,029 --> 01:04:22,880
i just was invited

1714
01:04:27,430 --> 01:04:25,039
just invited to speak that time it was

1715
01:04:28,710 --> 01:04:27,440
just 10 minutes that i was invited to

1716
01:04:31,910 --> 01:04:28,720
speak for

1717
01:04:35,270 --> 01:04:31,920
and at kintore i'm going to speak there

1718
01:04:37,029 --> 01:04:35,280
over zoom again on the 27th

1719
01:04:38,710 --> 01:04:37,039
they're having a conference and i'm

1720
01:04:40,230 --> 01:04:38,720
going to speak

1721
01:04:41,829 --> 01:04:40,240
with them i think jordan's going to

1722
01:04:43,430 --> 01:04:41,839
tweet out the

1723
01:04:45,349 --> 01:04:43,440
invitation

1724
01:04:47,190 --> 01:04:45,359
and i'm going to speak out about loss

1725
01:04:48,470 --> 01:04:47,200
and and resilience

1726
01:04:53,029 --> 01:04:48,480
again

1727
01:04:56,710 --> 01:04:55,510
well i'm not exactly an extrovert you

1728
01:04:59,190 --> 01:04:56,720
know i'm kind of

1729
01:05:01,190 --> 01:04:59,200
in the middle i like i i

1730
01:05:05,190 --> 01:05:01,200
i like people but i can also do without

1731
01:05:07,670 --> 01:05:05,200
them so i think it's actually been

1732
01:05:09,910 --> 01:05:07,680
it's been okay for me

1733
01:05:11,270 --> 01:05:09,920
um and i'm i'm quite fortunate my son

1734
01:05:13,510 --> 01:05:11,280
lives at the end of the street and we're

1735
01:05:15,190 --> 01:05:13,520
in a bubble and he had a baby

1736
01:05:17,510 --> 01:05:15,200
and so i've been able to know that i

1737
01:05:20,150 --> 01:05:17,520
recall you saying that yeah that's cute

1738
01:05:22,789 --> 01:05:20,160
i'm i'd i'm i'm just so fortunate i

1739
01:05:25,750 --> 01:05:22,799
think so in terms of

1740
01:05:27,349 --> 01:05:25,760
everybody else who's suffering i feel

1741
01:05:28,230 --> 01:05:27,359
very fortunate

1742
01:05:30,230 --> 01:05:28,240
so

1743
01:05:32,069 --> 01:05:30,240
and i really like zoom

1744
01:05:33,750 --> 01:05:32,079
i really like it's very handy i don't

1745
01:05:35,750 --> 01:05:33,760
have to drive anywhere and i can be in a

1746
01:05:37,829 --> 01:05:35,760
meeting every hour of the day

1747
01:05:39,349 --> 01:05:37,839
if i want i can learn whatever i want

1748
01:05:42,069 --> 01:05:39,359
it's great

1749
01:05:43,670 --> 01:05:42,079
to me this is almost my i know like this

1750
01:05:45,910 --> 01:05:43,680
is not great for people to hear but this

1751
01:05:47,670 --> 01:05:45,920
is almost my ideal situation because i'm

1752
01:05:49,990 --> 01:05:47,680
one an introvert but number two i'm a

1753
01:05:52,150 --> 01:05:50,000
germaphobe so i like when people lights

1754
01:05:54,230 --> 01:05:52,160
all their hands and don't shake hands

1755
01:05:56,390 --> 01:05:54,240
oh that's funny you should say that i

1756
01:05:58,230 --> 01:05:56,400
don't know if you heard me say this but

1757
01:06:00,069 --> 01:05:58,240
my daughter was ill when she was young

1758
01:06:01,270 --> 01:06:00,079
and she used to go to school and catch

1759
01:06:04,150 --> 01:06:01,280
things and then she'd end up with

1760
01:06:07,109 --> 01:06:04,160
pneumonia so it wasn't just a little

1761
01:06:08,870 --> 01:06:07,119
thing and i used to be so frustrated on

1762
01:06:10,549 --> 01:06:08,880
an airplane when people would cough and

1763
01:06:12,549 --> 01:06:10,559
sneeze and and then she would get off

1764
01:06:14,390 --> 01:06:12,559
the airplane and she'd be sick because

1765
01:06:15,430 --> 01:06:14,400
she just caught everything

1766
01:06:17,990 --> 01:06:15,440
and so

1767
01:06:20,470 --> 01:06:18,000
in a way i've been

1768
01:06:23,430 --> 01:06:20,480
frustrated with this

1769
01:06:25,670 --> 01:06:23,440
in schools on airplanes

1770
01:06:28,309 --> 01:06:25,680
and now thank you i think it's a strange

1771
01:06:30,630 --> 01:06:28,319
uh turn of events

1772
01:06:32,470 --> 01:06:30,640
yes it's who would have thought

1773
01:06:35,270 --> 01:06:32,480
one year even one year ago was february

1774
01:06:37,750 --> 01:06:35,280
yeah one year ago we saw

1775
01:06:39,750 --> 01:06:37,760
it coming yeah but no well at least i

1776
01:06:41,670 --> 01:06:39,760
didn't think it would up end our lives

1777
01:06:42,470 --> 01:06:41,680
for an entire year and that this would

1778
01:06:46,230 --> 01:06:42,480
be

1779
01:06:48,230 --> 01:06:46,240
with going to the stores at a certain

1780
01:06:50,069 --> 01:06:48,240
hour one entrance

1781
01:06:51,510 --> 01:06:50,079
not seeing people putting on a mask when

1782
01:06:54,069 --> 01:06:51,520
you leave

1783
01:06:56,710 --> 01:06:54,079
yeah yeah pretty strange

1784
01:06:58,309 --> 01:06:56,720
did you think you would find god

1785
01:07:00,390 --> 01:06:58,319
without your illness thinking back now

1786
01:07:02,710 --> 01:07:00,400
in retrospect

1787
01:07:05,670 --> 01:07:02,720
no not the same way

1788
01:07:08,150 --> 01:07:05,680
no no i wasn't gonna find him

1789
01:07:11,109 --> 01:07:08,160
uh in a profound way

1790
01:07:13,270 --> 01:07:11,119
until i had suffered more

1791
01:07:14,630 --> 01:07:13,280
you know different people have to suffer

1792
01:07:16,630 --> 01:07:14,640
different amounts

1793
01:07:18,150 --> 01:07:16,640
before they turn to

1794
01:07:20,789 --> 01:07:18,160
god

1795
01:07:22,549 --> 01:07:20,799
and i really had to

1796
01:07:24,950 --> 01:07:22,559
dig deep before

1797
01:07:27,430 --> 01:07:24,960
i turned to god i find you know i found

1798
01:07:30,630 --> 01:07:27,440
i i was faced with terminal

1799
01:07:32,390 --> 01:07:30,640
diagnosis before i turn to god

1800
01:07:34,710 --> 01:07:32,400
and the difference between those people

1801
01:07:36,549 --> 01:07:34,720
who feel the suffering and then blame

1802
01:07:38,870 --> 01:07:36,559
god or turn away from god because of

1803
01:07:41,029 --> 01:07:38,880
their suffering rather than turn two

1804
01:07:44,549 --> 01:07:41,039
because

1805
01:07:47,029 --> 01:07:44,559
um i'm not sure but i i did have a

1806
01:07:51,190 --> 01:07:47,039
i told you that my grandmothers were

1807
01:07:54,150 --> 01:07:51,200
religious and so i had that

1808
01:07:57,190 --> 01:07:54,160
what from a time i was a child and i

1809
01:08:03,190 --> 01:07:57,200
studied yoga

1810
01:08:07,270 --> 01:08:05,349
spirituality

1811
01:08:11,910 --> 01:08:07,280
was always

1812
01:08:13,510 --> 01:08:11,920
not curious about it if you're

1813
01:08:16,070 --> 01:08:13,520
completely in your head and you're an

1814
01:08:18,950 --> 01:08:16,080
intellectual

1815
01:08:20,870 --> 01:08:18,960
and you're doing okay

1816
01:08:23,590 --> 01:08:20,880
then it's quite a

1817
01:08:25,430 --> 01:08:23,600
be quite a turnaround to have you know

1818
01:08:27,430 --> 01:08:25,440
you have to humble yourself

1819
01:08:29,510 --> 01:08:27,440
to become spiritual it's a humbling

1820
01:08:32,070 --> 01:08:29,520
experience there's nothing more humbling

1821
01:08:33,189 --> 01:08:32,080
i don't then becoming religious becoming

1822
01:08:35,510 --> 01:08:33,199
spiritual

1823
01:08:36,950 --> 01:08:35,520
you know grow god shrink tammy it's all

1824
01:08:40,229 --> 01:08:36,960
about

1825
01:08:42,149 --> 01:08:40,239
changing so that i'm down here paying

1826
01:08:43,349 --> 01:08:42,159
attention i'm not up here telling god

1827
01:08:45,269 --> 01:08:43,359
what to do

1828
01:08:47,269 --> 01:08:45,279
right i'm down here

1829
01:08:50,309 --> 01:08:47,279
that that's pretty hard so i think

1830
01:08:51,349 --> 01:08:50,319
people who have a hard time

1831
01:08:53,910 --> 01:08:51,359
uh

1832
01:08:55,510 --> 01:08:53,920
humbling themselves to

1833
01:08:57,269 --> 01:08:55,520
uh their

1834
01:08:59,829 --> 01:08:57,279
higher power

1835
01:09:02,550 --> 01:08:59,839
are going to have more trouble

1836
01:09:04,789 --> 01:09:02,560
because it's it's too too hard

1837
01:09:08,390 --> 01:09:04,799
it's it's just some things are just too

1838
01:09:11,990 --> 01:09:09,829
so it'll make you angry and it'll make

1839
01:09:13,430 --> 01:09:12,000
you blame

1840
01:09:15,510 --> 01:09:13,440
so i see the difference between the

1841
01:09:17,910 --> 01:09:15,520
people i turn toward rather than turn

1842
01:09:20,229 --> 01:09:17,920
away seems to be that they want to be in

1843
01:09:21,910 --> 01:09:20,239
control that they find it difficult to

1844
01:09:23,749 --> 01:09:21,920
suggest that someone else should be in

1845
01:09:27,910 --> 01:09:23,759
charge or that they need help

1846
01:09:31,749 --> 01:09:29,910
would you call yourself a catholic

1847
01:09:32,630 --> 01:09:31,759
or you don't give yourself a label at

1848
01:09:37,189 --> 01:09:32,640
all

1849
01:09:38,950 --> 01:09:37,199
i definitely pray the rosary okay

1850
01:09:40,550 --> 01:09:38,960
you also mentioned that hey when you

1851
01:09:42,470 --> 01:09:40,560
were younger you went to different

1852
01:09:44,870 --> 01:09:42,480
religious institutions they weren't for

1853
01:09:47,590 --> 01:09:44,880
you and you thought perhaps religion the

1854
01:09:50,149 --> 01:09:47,600
dogmatic side wasn't for you then i was

1855
01:09:52,550 --> 01:09:50,159
thinking well that's a common feeling

1856
01:09:55,430 --> 01:09:52,560
for quite a few people they maybe try

1857
01:09:56,709 --> 01:09:55,440
one church two or three

1858
01:09:58,229 --> 01:09:56,719
and then they

1859
01:09:59,830 --> 01:09:58,239
say this is not for me i don't like

1860
01:10:01,270 --> 01:09:59,840
these people or i don't like what's

1861
01:10:04,229 --> 01:10:01,280
being said

1862
01:10:06,470 --> 01:10:04,239
and then they lose this communal aspect

1863
01:10:07,669 --> 01:10:06,480
of religion

1864
01:10:09,110 --> 01:10:07,679
and you could be an independent

1865
01:10:10,790 --> 01:10:09,120
christian like uh

1866
01:10:13,270 --> 01:10:10,800
like kierkegaard

1867
01:10:15,350 --> 01:10:13,280
but it's helpful to have a community

1868
01:10:17,350 --> 01:10:15,360
around you so what would you suggest to

1869
01:10:18,790 --> 01:10:17,360
those people who don't who think that

1870
01:10:20,470 --> 01:10:18,800
religion is not for them because they've

1871
01:10:22,149 --> 01:10:20,480
tried it a couple times but haven't

1872
01:10:24,550 --> 01:10:22,159
found the right one and they think there

1873
01:10:26,390 --> 01:10:24,560
is no right one the right one is me

1874
01:10:28,229 --> 01:10:26,400
maybe if first of all it might be just

1875
01:10:30,390 --> 01:10:28,239
me like i'm an atheist or it might be

1876
01:10:32,550 --> 01:10:30,400
just me and my personal relationship to

1877
01:10:35,110 --> 01:10:32,560
god and that's all

1878
01:10:37,030 --> 01:10:35,120
the problem is with that

1879
01:10:38,709 --> 01:10:37,040
is you can have a personal relationship

1880
01:10:40,310 --> 01:10:38,719
with god or you can have a personal

1881
01:10:42,149 --> 01:10:40,320
relationship with a higher power of your

1882
01:10:45,110 --> 01:10:42,159
choosing if you're an atheist it doesn't

1883
01:10:47,830 --> 01:10:45,120
matter it's just it's not you

1884
01:10:50,790 --> 01:10:47,840
you know it's your community or it's or

1885
01:10:52,470 --> 01:10:50,800
it's nature or something is is uh

1886
01:10:53,510 --> 01:10:52,480
inspiring you

1887
01:10:57,510 --> 01:10:53,520
but

1888
01:11:00,790 --> 01:10:57,520
um service is a lot of service has is

1889
01:11:02,149 --> 01:11:00,800
service is really what is necessary to

1890
01:11:03,030 --> 01:11:02,159
receive

1891
01:11:05,270 --> 01:11:03,040
the

1892
01:11:08,390 --> 01:11:05,280
benefits of your

1893
01:11:11,510 --> 01:11:08,400
relationship with your higher power

1894
01:11:12,390 --> 01:11:11,520
so you have to give it away

1895
01:11:13,990 --> 01:11:12,400
without

1896
01:11:16,870 --> 01:11:14,000
being thanked

1897
01:11:18,470 --> 01:11:16,880
so it isn't a

1898
01:11:19,350 --> 01:11:18,480
it isn't something you're doing for

1899
01:11:22,310 --> 01:11:19,360
money

1900
01:11:23,910 --> 01:11:22,320
it isn't something that you're doing for

1901
01:11:27,430 --> 01:11:23,920
accolades it's

1902
01:11:30,390 --> 01:11:27,440
you're doing it because

1903
01:11:33,189 --> 01:11:30,400
you're you want to fill yourself with

1904
01:11:37,590 --> 01:11:34,470
and so

1905
01:11:39,350 --> 01:11:37,600
the service is is what's necessary and

1906
01:11:41,510 --> 01:11:39,360
when you say service this has nothing to

1907
01:11:43,110 --> 01:11:41,520
do with a group of people it has nothing

1908
01:11:44,630 --> 01:11:43,120
to do with an institution

1909
01:11:47,110 --> 01:11:44,640
because it has nothing to do with an

1910
01:11:48,149 --> 01:11:47,120
institution but it has to do with people

1911
01:11:52,470 --> 01:11:48,159
service

1912
01:11:54,149 --> 01:11:52,480
to serve others

1913
01:11:56,470 --> 01:11:54,159
yeah

1914
01:11:58,709 --> 01:11:56,480
helping to serve others is what is

1915
01:12:02,390 --> 01:11:58,719
necessary to

1916
01:12:09,510 --> 01:12:04,149
spiritual experience

1917
01:12:10,790 --> 01:12:09,520
you found a role model in mary i recall

1918
01:12:12,950 --> 01:12:10,800
you saying

1919
01:12:15,510 --> 01:12:12,960
now

1920
01:12:17,430 --> 01:12:15,520
okay maybe it wasn't a role well i

1921
01:12:19,510 --> 01:12:17,440
didn't but either way but i understand

1922
01:12:20,830 --> 01:12:19,520
mary better than i did either way what i

1923
01:12:24,229 --> 01:12:20,840
mean is for

1924
01:12:25,350 --> 01:12:24,239
women is mary more saleable than

1925
01:12:26,470 --> 01:12:25,360
jesus

1926
01:12:28,149 --> 01:12:26,480
like if you're

1927
01:12:30,790 --> 01:12:28,159
yeah speaking to women right now and you

1928
01:12:32,070 --> 01:12:30,800
want them to turn toward god or turn

1929
01:12:34,149 --> 01:12:32,080
toward the good or turn towards

1930
01:12:36,390 --> 01:12:34,159
something that's higher than them what

1931
01:12:39,110 --> 01:12:36,400
advice do you have well meditation is a

1932
01:12:41,510 --> 01:12:39,120
good place to start

1933
01:12:44,709 --> 01:12:41,520
and trying to

1934
01:12:48,830 --> 01:12:47,110
you know and that's

1935
01:12:51,990 --> 01:12:48,840
um that's pretty

1936
01:12:54,390 --> 01:12:52,000
gentle so i would think that

1937
01:12:56,630 --> 01:12:54,400
meditation and trying to talk to speak

1938
01:12:58,550 --> 01:12:56,640
to to listen to god

1939
01:13:02,830 --> 01:12:58,560
to listen to god

1940
01:13:07,669 --> 01:13:05,750
and sharing what you learn with others

1941
01:13:09,270 --> 01:13:07,679
would be a good

1942
01:13:13,189 --> 01:13:09,280
also a good way to start because then

1943
01:13:17,350 --> 01:13:15,750
giving other people

1944
01:13:19,990 --> 01:13:17,360
information and you'd be getting

1945
01:13:22,630 --> 01:13:20,000
information from others too about what

1946
01:13:24,310 --> 01:13:22,640
their experiences are to make it more

1947
01:13:27,750 --> 01:13:24,320
real

1948
01:13:32,229 --> 01:13:29,350
see that's the problem is we're not

1949
01:13:35,189 --> 01:13:32,239
solitary creatures and and if we live

1950
01:13:38,149 --> 01:13:35,199
alone then we go crazy

1951
01:13:39,990 --> 01:13:38,159
and so we we have to be involved with

1952
01:13:42,070 --> 01:13:40,000
other people and if the only way that

1953
01:13:45,990 --> 01:13:42,080
you can be involved with other people is

1954
01:13:48,790 --> 01:13:46,000
to serve them then that that's good you

1955
01:13:50,070 --> 01:13:48,800
know so you can have relationships with

1956
01:13:51,669 --> 01:13:50,080
people

1957
01:13:53,030 --> 01:13:51,679
just serve them whenever you see it

1958
01:13:55,030 --> 01:13:53,040
possible you don't have to be serving

1959
01:13:56,310 --> 01:13:55,040
them all the time but you can be finding

1960
01:13:58,310 --> 01:13:56,320
service

1961
01:14:00,630 --> 01:13:58,320
when it comes when you when when you see

1962
01:14:01,750 --> 01:14:00,640
it and if you're pre in living in the

1963
01:14:03,669 --> 01:14:01,760
present

1964
01:14:04,790 --> 01:14:03,679
which was where where god is is only in

1965
01:14:06,950 --> 01:14:04,800
the present

1966
01:14:08,630 --> 01:14:06,960
right he's only between words

1967
01:14:10,470 --> 01:14:08,640
he's in the breath

1968
01:14:11,669 --> 01:14:10,480
i understand it at some level and i

1969
01:14:13,110 --> 01:14:11,679
understand it somewhat at an

1970
01:14:15,030 --> 01:14:13,120
intellectual level and somewhat at a

1971
01:14:16,870 --> 01:14:15,040
let's say an intuitive level

1972
01:14:18,149 --> 01:14:16,880
and sometimes i feel it but i have a

1973
01:14:19,350 --> 01:14:18,159
difficult time

1974
01:14:20,950 --> 01:14:19,360
in first of all intellectually

1975
01:14:22,630 --> 01:14:20,960
understanding it too so i understand it

1976
01:14:25,030 --> 01:14:22,640
but i don't and then i feel it but i

1977
01:14:33,830 --> 01:14:25,040
don't what does it mean that god is only

1978
01:14:37,750 --> 01:14:35,430
thank you so much for doing this and

1979
01:14:39,270 --> 01:14:37,760
like act like you're on

1980
01:14:45,110 --> 01:14:39,280
you're just talking to me what does it

1981
01:14:48,790 --> 01:14:47,110
in order to access god you have to be

1982
01:14:53,430 --> 01:14:48,800
patient and wait

1983
01:14:58,390 --> 01:14:55,430
listening

1984
01:15:00,310 --> 01:14:58,400
that's the only it's so subtle

1985
01:15:01,830 --> 01:15:00,320
it's so subtle

1986
01:15:02,950 --> 01:15:01,840
that if you're talking you're not

1987
01:15:03,990 --> 01:15:02,960
listening

1988
01:15:05,430 --> 01:15:04,000
if you're

1989
01:15:07,270 --> 01:15:05,440
attending

1990
01:15:09,030 --> 01:15:07,280
to other things you're not listening you

1991
01:15:11,110 --> 01:15:09,040
really have to be still

1992
01:15:13,910 --> 01:15:11,120
and

1993
01:15:14,709 --> 01:15:13,920
you have to wait it can take a long time

1994
01:15:17,110 --> 01:15:14,719
too

1995
01:15:19,030 --> 01:15:17,120
you know i've had troubles i've had

1996
01:15:21,750 --> 01:15:19,040
things i'm trying to

1997
01:15:23,430 --> 01:15:21,760
cope with for weeks before i get an

1998
01:15:27,189 --> 01:15:23,440
answer

1999
01:15:30,950 --> 01:15:27,199
and in that time all you're doing is

2000
01:15:33,350 --> 01:15:31,830
for

2001
01:15:36,709 --> 01:15:33,360
a sign

2002
01:15:40,229 --> 01:15:36,719
i know what reborn means now i think

2003
01:15:42,790 --> 01:15:40,239
what does it mean i think it means

2004
01:15:44,870 --> 01:15:42,800
when when when they say someone is

2005
01:15:47,590 --> 01:15:44,880
reborn it always sounded like what

2006
01:15:51,110 --> 01:15:47,600
reborn what the heck is that

2007
01:15:54,070 --> 01:15:51,120
uh i think what it is is that

2008
01:15:56,470 --> 01:15:54,080
you have found your place

2009
01:15:58,070 --> 01:15:56,480
god's here and you're here

2010
01:15:59,350 --> 01:15:58,080
or god's beside you he's just a little

2011
01:16:01,430 --> 01:15:59,360
bit bigger

2012
01:16:03,430 --> 01:16:01,440
god's you know he's he's just a little

2013
01:16:05,110 --> 01:16:03,440
bit bigger than you he's inside you but

2014
01:16:06,630 --> 01:16:05,120
he's more than you are

2015
01:16:08,550 --> 01:16:06,640
and

2016
01:16:11,350 --> 01:16:08,560
you're reborn

2017
01:16:13,910 --> 01:16:11,360
god

2018
01:16:16,550 --> 01:16:13,920
before you know before it was you

2019
01:16:17,430 --> 01:16:16,560
self-will and then afterwards it's god's

2020
01:16:20,149 --> 01:16:17,440
will

2021
01:16:21,830 --> 01:16:20,159
you're reborn with god that's reborn

2022
01:16:23,750 --> 01:16:21,840
that's pretty it's not

2023
01:16:25,430 --> 01:16:23,760
it's not hokey pokey or anything it's

2024
01:16:27,750 --> 01:16:25,440
pretty

2025
01:16:30,070 --> 01:16:27,760
yeah you know i understand that does

2026
01:16:32,070 --> 01:16:30,080
everyone need to be reborn or do some

2027
01:16:33,750 --> 01:16:32,080
people because of their upbringing they

2028
01:16:35,510 --> 01:16:33,760
already see themselves as miniscule

2029
01:16:38,310 --> 01:16:35,520
compared to god so they don't have that

2030
01:16:39,750 --> 01:16:38,320
rebirth yeah that with a i think maybe

2031
01:16:40,950 --> 01:16:39,760
with a

2032
01:16:42,310 --> 01:16:40,960
a very

2033
01:16:45,110 --> 01:16:42,320
careful

2034
01:16:46,950 --> 01:16:45,120
spiritual upbringing

2035
01:16:49,430 --> 01:16:46,960
and luck

2036
01:16:51,110 --> 01:16:49,440
you can um

2037
01:16:52,790 --> 01:16:51,120
you can have that

2038
01:16:55,350 --> 01:16:52,800
but still you know the challenges of

2039
01:16:57,590 --> 01:16:55,360
life will be there and

2040
01:16:58,870 --> 01:16:57,600
for it to be an individual relationship

2041
01:17:01,270 --> 01:16:58,880
with god

2042
01:17:04,149 --> 01:17:01,280
you're given these problems that might

2043
01:17:06,950 --> 01:17:04,159
be generations old

2044
01:17:11,270 --> 01:17:09,990
meaning like for example oh well things

2045
01:17:13,430 --> 01:17:11,280
that may have happened to your

2046
01:17:15,590 --> 01:17:13,440
grandparents are things that are still

2047
01:17:16,950 --> 01:17:15,600
happening to you until you

2048
01:17:19,430 --> 01:17:16,960
uh

2049
01:17:23,669 --> 01:17:19,440
recognize them in your life and then

2050
01:17:26,870 --> 01:17:25,590
what would be an example of that

2051
01:17:30,390 --> 01:17:26,880
abuse

2052
01:17:33,430 --> 01:17:30,400
thing

2053
01:17:34,709 --> 01:17:33,440
so if somebody and then you know your

2054
01:17:36,950 --> 01:17:34,719
uh

2055
01:17:38,870 --> 01:17:36,960
your grandfather and then and then your

2056
01:17:40,790 --> 01:17:38,880
one of your parents and then

2057
01:17:42,950 --> 01:17:40,800
your parents behavior and

2058
01:17:44,870 --> 01:17:42,960
that's interesting you you have the same

2059
01:17:46,709 --> 01:17:44,880
behavior and then you get married and

2060
01:17:48,310 --> 01:17:46,719
you show the same behavior with your

2061
01:17:49,830 --> 01:17:48,320
spouse and then your children learn it

2062
01:17:51,430 --> 01:17:49,840
from you and it just goes on and on

2063
01:17:53,430 --> 01:17:51,440
until someone recognizes hey you know

2064
01:17:55,510 --> 01:17:53,440
what this behavior

2065
01:17:57,110 --> 01:17:55,520
this is troublesomeness behavior i

2066
01:17:58,470 --> 01:17:57,120
wonder where it came from

2067
01:18:01,030 --> 01:17:58,480
and why it's there

2068
01:18:04,470 --> 01:18:01,040
and to accept it to accept it as

2069
01:18:06,790 --> 01:18:04,480
necessary to bring you

2070
01:18:08,149 --> 01:18:06,800
to this understanding with your higher

2071
01:18:09,910 --> 01:18:08,159
power

2072
01:18:11,910 --> 01:18:09,920
okay that last part that's interesting

2073
01:18:13,430 --> 01:18:11,920
accept it as necessary can you please

2074
01:18:17,030 --> 01:18:13,440
expand on that

2075
01:18:18,950 --> 01:18:17,040
so if uh so i'm so say i'm recognizing

2076
01:18:21,350 --> 01:18:18,960
some

2077
01:18:23,590 --> 01:18:21,360
way that i'm dealing with my

2078
01:18:26,149 --> 01:18:23,600
relationships that isn't working and i'm

2079
01:18:29,189 --> 01:18:26,159
recognizing that it's not working and

2080
01:18:30,870 --> 01:18:29,199
then i'm recognizing

2081
01:18:32,550 --> 01:18:30,880
i'm accepting that this is the way it's

2082
01:18:35,189 --> 01:18:32,560
been and that i've been

2083
01:18:37,990 --> 01:18:35,199
dealing with things for years this way

2084
01:18:39,430 --> 01:18:38,000
and that that's the best i could do

2085
01:18:42,149 --> 01:18:39,440
because that's all i knew

2086
01:18:44,709 --> 01:18:42,159
so whatever happened in the past

2087
01:18:47,189 --> 01:18:44,719
i can say was there

2088
01:18:49,750 --> 01:18:47,199
to bring me where i am today otherwise i

2089
01:18:51,669 --> 01:18:49,760
wouldn't be here

2090
01:18:52,390 --> 01:18:51,679
uh right interesting interesting and

2091
01:18:53,830 --> 01:18:52,400
then

2092
01:18:55,590 --> 01:18:53,840
you wouldn't be in this moment you

2093
01:18:57,990 --> 01:18:55,600
wouldn't be in this moment without all

2094
01:19:00,149 --> 01:18:58,000
of that no matter what it was which is a

2095
01:19:02,310 --> 01:19:00,159
very tough thing to

2096
01:19:04,229 --> 01:19:02,320
come to terms with sometimes because

2097
01:19:07,350 --> 01:19:04,239
whatever was in the past can be really

2098
01:19:08,390 --> 01:19:07,360
something that you are not able to

2099
01:19:10,390 --> 01:19:08,400
contend with

2100
01:19:13,830 --> 01:19:10,400
but if you see it as

2101
01:19:16,470 --> 01:19:13,840
necessary to bring you here and here

2102
01:19:18,470 --> 01:19:16,480
you are wanting to

2103
01:19:19,830 --> 01:19:18,480
humble yourself to

2104
01:19:26,229 --> 01:19:19,840
god

2105
01:19:29,750 --> 01:19:27,750
this to me

2106
01:19:32,070 --> 01:19:29,760
needs as a condition

2107
01:19:33,510 --> 01:19:32,080
an extreme amount of

2108
01:19:34,830 --> 01:19:33,520
well maybe you can you would disagree

2109
01:19:37,990 --> 01:19:34,840
but i would say

2110
01:19:40,310 --> 01:19:38,000
self-love because you would have to say

2111
01:19:43,510 --> 01:19:40,320
that i don't regret where i am where i

2112
01:19:49,110 --> 01:19:45,990
but then how does one

2113
01:19:51,350 --> 01:19:49,120
balance that as well as

2114
01:19:53,270 --> 01:19:51,360
wanting to change one's

2115
01:19:55,510 --> 01:19:53,280
moral condition or material condition in

2116
01:19:58,390 --> 01:19:55,520
some manner because it's

2117
01:20:00,790 --> 01:19:58,400
it seems paradoxical if i say i accept

2118
01:20:03,510 --> 01:20:00,800
it that's what i have a hard time with

2119
01:20:05,590 --> 01:20:03,520
if i say i accept it to me that's like

2120
01:20:07,590 --> 01:20:05,600
lying on on a pool on your back and

2121
01:20:09,350 --> 01:20:07,600
saying that's great where i am i love

2122
01:20:12,149 --> 01:20:09,360
everything the way it is rather than

2123
01:20:14,310 --> 01:20:12,159
wanting to change it for the better

2124
01:20:15,830 --> 01:20:14,320
now not saying i want to change it for

2125
01:20:17,910 --> 01:20:15,840
the better it could be through god but

2126
01:20:19,430 --> 01:20:17,920
even through that i'm changing it which

2127
01:20:21,990 --> 01:20:19,440
means i don't like the way that it

2128
01:20:23,750 --> 01:20:22,000
currently is now you may disagree about

2129
01:20:26,790 --> 01:20:23,760
that last part like that you don't like

2130
01:20:27,750 --> 01:20:26,800
the way it currently is yeah so

2131
01:20:29,270 --> 01:20:27,760
great

2132
01:20:32,310 --> 01:20:29,280
tammy please help me through this how

2133
01:20:35,430 --> 01:20:32,320
does one balance self-love with wanting

2134
01:20:38,390 --> 01:20:35,440
to improve or change in some manner okay

2135
01:20:39,990 --> 01:20:38,400
well there has to be there has to be a

2136
01:20:41,669 --> 01:20:40,000
self-love

2137
01:20:44,950 --> 01:20:41,679
there has to be self but there has to be

2138
01:20:46,310 --> 01:20:44,960
love for the little boy that you were

2139
01:20:49,590 --> 01:20:46,320
and all the mistakes that you made there

2140
01:20:53,030 --> 01:20:49,600
how there has to be love for that

2141
01:20:56,229 --> 01:20:53,040
little boy in order for you and in order

2142
01:20:58,470 --> 01:20:56,239
for you to be in the present and have

2143
01:20:59,669 --> 01:20:58,480
the generosity that you need

2144
01:21:01,030 --> 01:20:59,679
to

2145
01:21:03,590 --> 01:21:01,040
let god in

2146
01:21:06,149 --> 01:21:03,600
because it's a generous

2147
01:21:09,990 --> 01:21:08,630
invitation

2148
01:21:11,270 --> 01:21:10,000
you know

2149
01:21:13,510 --> 01:21:11,280
and and you're not going to make a

2150
01:21:15,030 --> 01:21:13,520
generous invitation

2151
01:21:16,790 --> 01:21:15,040
if you're not

2152
01:21:20,070 --> 01:21:16,800
in a way feeling

2153
01:21:22,149 --> 01:21:20,080
like you are the more you can accept who

2154
01:21:24,229 --> 01:21:22,159
you are and who you were and the things

2155
01:21:25,990 --> 01:21:24,239
that happened to you

2156
01:21:28,229 --> 01:21:26,000
the more generous you feel the more you

2157
01:21:30,630 --> 01:21:28,239
can let god in because it's not it's not

2158
01:21:32,950 --> 01:21:30,640
an on or off switch

2159
01:21:34,390 --> 01:21:32,960
you know you get a little god

2160
01:21:36,470 --> 01:21:34,400
and then something else happens you get

2161
01:21:38,149 --> 01:21:36,480
a little bit more and some days it's a

2162
01:21:40,390 --> 01:21:38,159
little bit less and

2163
01:21:42,550 --> 01:21:40,400
it depends on how

2164
01:21:50,310 --> 01:21:42,560
accepting you are

2165
01:21:55,430 --> 01:21:52,310
because the action will be different

2166
01:21:57,590 --> 01:21:55,440
than it was if you were guarded

2167
01:21:58,870 --> 01:21:57,600
and if you were

2168
01:22:00,310 --> 01:21:58,880
empty

2169
01:22:01,270 --> 01:22:00,320
the action you

2170
01:22:02,790 --> 01:22:01,280
you go

2171
01:22:05,910 --> 01:22:02,800
how you move forward is going to be

2172
01:22:08,310 --> 01:22:05,920
different than if you're feeling

2173
01:22:11,430 --> 01:22:08,320
acceptance

2174
01:22:13,510 --> 01:22:11,440
aware aware of the discontent

2175
01:22:15,350 --> 01:22:13,520
aware of the discontent and accepting

2176
01:22:18,070 --> 01:22:15,360
the discontent

2177
01:22:20,590 --> 01:22:18,080
and then what action follows

2178
01:22:25,189 --> 01:22:22,470
reconciliation

2179
01:22:26,550 --> 01:22:25,199
is going to be different

2180
01:22:28,790 --> 01:22:26,560
than if you

2181
01:22:31,510 --> 01:22:28,800
weren't accepting

2182
01:22:33,350 --> 01:22:31,520
and so a way to move forward into a

2183
01:22:35,350 --> 01:22:33,360
better place

2184
01:22:37,510 --> 01:22:35,360
is the is the awareness and the

2185
01:22:39,430 --> 01:22:37,520
acceptance but the acceptance is the

2186
01:22:41,270 --> 01:22:39,440
hard part because it

2187
01:22:43,270 --> 01:22:41,280
takes

2188
01:22:44,629 --> 01:22:43,280
looking back in the past

2189
01:22:56,550 --> 01:22:44,639
and

2190
01:22:58,950 --> 01:22:56,560
that that has brought to where you are

2191
01:23:00,629 --> 01:22:58,960
today that's that's hard you're giving

2192
01:23:02,310 --> 01:23:00,639
me a different perspective i was

2193
01:23:03,990 --> 01:23:02,320
recently speaking to someone named

2194
01:23:06,070 --> 01:23:04,000
bernardo castro

2195
01:23:08,229 --> 01:23:06,080
he's a philosopher and he said to me as

2196
01:23:10,229 --> 01:23:08,239
we were talking he said kurt don't take

2197
01:23:12,950 --> 01:23:10,239
yourself too seriously

2198
01:23:15,590 --> 01:23:12,960
and then for me i'm thinking

2199
01:23:18,390 --> 01:23:15,600
that i don't take myself seriously

2200
01:23:21,510 --> 01:23:18,400
enough i see being ascetic and austere

2201
01:23:22,470 --> 01:23:21,520
as something i should be and

2202
01:23:25,990 --> 01:23:22,480
even

2203
01:23:27,430 --> 01:23:26,000
necessary for moving toward a higher

2204
01:23:28,470 --> 01:23:27,440
purpose

2205
01:23:29,990 --> 01:23:28,480
but then

2206
01:23:34,229 --> 01:23:30,000
i also see that

2207
01:23:37,669 --> 01:23:35,510
maybe that's

2208
01:23:40,229 --> 01:23:37,679
or plenty of that is me

2209
01:23:42,790 --> 01:23:40,239
a distaste for what i currently am and a

2210
01:23:44,790 --> 01:23:42,800
dislike for my former self

2211
01:23:47,189 --> 01:23:44,800
and that's not easy it's not easy to

2212
01:23:53,750 --> 01:23:47,199
accept it's not easy to confront

2213
01:23:58,950 --> 01:23:56,550
but a constant process

2214
01:24:00,870 --> 01:23:58,960
what else besides god and besides the

2215
01:24:16,310 --> 01:24:00,880
fragility of life has changed in your

2216
01:24:16,320 --> 01:24:22,149
my

2217
01:24:26,950 --> 01:24:23,910
well because i

2218
01:24:30,870 --> 01:24:26,960
made a deal with god that i would share

2219
01:24:30,880 --> 01:24:34,149
if they ask me to

2220
01:24:34,159 --> 01:24:38,870
my community is growing

2221
01:24:43,030 --> 01:24:41,110
more than it ever has

2222
01:24:44,229 --> 01:24:43,040
your community meaning

2223
01:24:46,229 --> 01:24:44,239
people like

2224
01:24:47,430 --> 01:24:46,239
a community okay you mean like your

2225
01:24:49,110 --> 01:24:47,440
social media

2226
01:24:50,950 --> 01:24:49,120
yeah people i'm in conversation with is

2227
01:24:53,030 --> 01:24:50,960
growing

2228
01:24:54,550 --> 01:24:53,040
uh for me personally more than it ever

2229
01:24:57,590 --> 01:24:54,560
has before

2230
01:24:59,189 --> 01:24:57,600
tell me what troubles me is

2231
01:25:09,350 --> 01:24:59,199
i

2232
01:25:10,790 --> 01:25:09,360
because

2233
01:25:12,470 --> 01:25:10,800
there's too much truth and you don't

2234
01:25:14,550 --> 01:25:12,480
know what to choose from

2235
01:25:17,510 --> 01:25:14,560
so then guide yourself with love and

2236
01:25:19,270 --> 01:25:17,520
truth okay but then what troubles me is

2237
01:25:22,149 --> 01:25:19,280
how do i know that those

2238
01:25:23,990 --> 01:25:22,159
ideas that occur to me those spiraling

2239
01:25:25,830 --> 01:25:24,000
ideas aren't

2240
01:25:27,669 --> 01:25:25,840
a part of the truth and that i'm

2241
01:25:29,430 --> 01:25:27,679
supposed to follow them see that's what

2242
01:25:33,030 --> 01:25:29,440
makes me well write them down and share

2243
01:25:36,310 --> 01:25:34,870
right

2244
01:25:38,310 --> 01:25:36,320
and don't share and i wouldn't share

2245
01:25:39,430 --> 01:25:38,320
them so much online i'd share them in

2246
01:25:41,830 --> 01:25:39,440
real life

2247
01:25:43,830 --> 01:25:41,840
because you know the the online presence

2248
01:25:47,510 --> 01:25:43,840
is kind of paranoid

2249
01:25:50,149 --> 01:25:47,520
or can be paranoid and and can

2250
01:25:51,430 --> 01:25:50,159
and grow conspiracy theories and stuff

2251
01:25:53,590 --> 01:25:51,440
the online

2252
01:25:55,990 --> 01:25:53,600
voice is too

2253
01:26:00,709 --> 01:25:58,709
so i think uh sharing your ideas with

2254
01:26:02,070 --> 01:26:00,719
with people that you know

2255
01:26:04,790 --> 01:26:02,080
is the best way to keep your head

2256
01:26:08,870 --> 01:26:06,550
how do you choose between truth and love

2257
01:26:11,030 --> 01:26:08,880
in a relationship so for example what if

2258
01:26:13,830 --> 01:26:11,040
your partner hypothetically committed a

2259
01:26:17,189 --> 01:26:13,840
crime like what if i murdered someone

2260
01:26:19,430 --> 01:26:17,199
or whatever it may be and

2261
01:26:21,510 --> 01:26:19,440
or my wife murdered someone so do i have

2262
01:26:24,149 --> 01:26:21,520
an obligation to the truth that is to

2263
01:26:26,229 --> 01:26:24,159
turn her in or to love that is

2264
01:26:27,990 --> 01:26:26,239
to not lie in contradiction with my

2265
01:26:30,470 --> 01:26:28,000
partner but instead

2266
01:26:33,910 --> 01:26:30,480
with her or those somehow the same truth

2267
01:26:39,110 --> 01:26:35,189
how do you know when to stand with your

2268
01:26:42,390 --> 01:26:40,550
well you're not responsible for what

2269
01:26:45,110 --> 01:26:42,400
your partner does

2270
01:26:47,510 --> 01:26:45,120
they're responsible for what they do

2271
01:26:48,950 --> 01:26:47,520
and what they say

2272
01:26:51,750 --> 01:26:48,960
so you're not responsible that you can

2273
01:26:54,790 --> 01:26:51,760
still love them

2274
01:26:57,669 --> 01:26:56,149
people are pretty confused so they're

2275
01:26:59,669 --> 01:26:57,679
often not telling the truth when even

2276
01:27:01,510 --> 01:26:59,679
when they think they are

2277
01:27:02,870 --> 01:27:01,520
so truth is a hard one

2278
01:27:05,910 --> 01:27:02,880
it's you know it's something you can

2279
01:27:06,950 --> 01:27:05,920
aspire to that's for sure and so is love

2280
01:27:08,950 --> 01:27:06,960
um

2281
01:27:11,030 --> 01:27:08,960
because people can love for manipulative

2282
01:27:12,629 --> 01:27:11,040
reasons as well you know so love isn't

2283
01:27:13,830 --> 01:27:12,639
always true either

2284
01:27:16,470 --> 01:27:13,840
but as

2285
01:27:18,470 --> 01:27:16,480
but if you can say that your love is

2286
01:27:20,950 --> 01:27:18,480
true and you're

2287
01:27:24,629 --> 01:27:20,960
and your truth is true

2288
01:27:28,070 --> 01:27:27,189
i would stay with love

2289
01:27:29,590 --> 01:27:28,080
and

2290
01:27:34,709 --> 01:27:29,600
let the

2291
01:27:37,990 --> 01:27:35,990
how did you know

2292
01:27:39,350 --> 01:27:38,000
when you were young peterson said jordan

2293
01:27:41,270 --> 01:27:39,360
peterson said

2294
01:27:43,030 --> 01:27:41,280
that you said let's get married but only

2295
01:27:44,550 --> 01:27:43,040
if we tell each other the truth

2296
01:27:47,270 --> 01:27:44,560
okay how did you know that truth was

2297
01:27:49,590 --> 01:27:47,280
imperative when you were so young

2298
01:27:51,189 --> 01:27:49,600
because many people they didn't value

2299
01:27:54,629 --> 01:27:51,199
truth until they had this philosophical

2300
01:27:57,189 --> 01:27:54,639
framework given to them by your husband

2301
01:27:58,550 --> 01:27:57,199
and i don't know how

2302
01:28:01,430 --> 01:27:58,560
without

2303
01:28:03,669 --> 01:28:01,440
strong adherence to religion

2304
01:28:05,990 --> 01:28:03,679
how someone can come to a similar

2305
01:28:08,550 --> 01:28:06,000
understanding at such a young age of

2306
01:28:09,910 --> 01:28:08,560
the vital nature of truth

2307
01:28:12,229 --> 01:28:09,920
how did you

2308
01:28:14,470 --> 01:28:12,239
when he asked me to marry him he said if

2309
01:28:16,310 --> 01:28:14,480
we have to tell the truth if we don't

2310
01:28:18,470 --> 01:28:16,320
tell the truth we can't have a

2311
01:28:20,470 --> 01:28:18,480
relationship

2312
01:28:21,830 --> 01:28:20,480
so that was the beginning of me

2313
01:28:23,590 --> 01:28:21,840
walking around with the bible in my

2314
01:28:25,030 --> 01:28:23,600
pocket and

2315
01:28:27,110 --> 01:28:25,040
looking to see if i was telling the

2316
01:28:28,709 --> 01:28:27,120
truth

2317
01:28:30,629 --> 01:28:28,719
that's how i dealt with it i just put

2318
01:28:33,270 --> 01:28:30,639
one of those little pocket bibles in my

2319
01:28:35,669 --> 01:28:33,280
inside of my coat pocket and

2320
01:28:37,270 --> 01:28:35,679
everything i did i analyzed see if this

2321
01:28:40,550 --> 01:28:37,280
was a

2322
01:28:42,070 --> 01:28:40,560
if this whatever i was doing was okay

2323
01:28:43,750 --> 01:28:42,080
tammy thank you so much i know you got

2324
01:28:45,110 --> 01:28:43,760
to go there are some audience questions

2325
01:28:47,110 --> 01:28:45,120
i can read them and maybe you can give a

2326
01:28:49,110 --> 01:28:47,120
quick answer and if you have to go then

2327
01:28:51,430 --> 01:28:49,120
just let's do a few let's do this yeah

2328
01:28:53,350 --> 01:28:51,440
salt lemon said what are some of the

2329
01:28:55,030 --> 01:28:53,360
best things your dad did

2330
01:28:57,030 --> 01:28:55,040
or let's say your parents

2331
01:28:59,510 --> 01:28:57,040
when you were younger

2332
01:29:03,750 --> 01:28:59,520
in terms of parenting

2333
01:29:07,110 --> 01:29:03,760
he taught me sports

2334
01:29:10,390 --> 01:29:07,120
he took me along to sports

2335
01:29:12,950 --> 01:29:10,400
to games we played a lot of games and

2336
01:29:15,110 --> 01:29:12,960
that was great

2337
01:29:17,030 --> 01:29:15,120
okay this comes from feels like fire

2338
01:29:18,790 --> 01:29:17,040
what advice would you give to parents

2339
01:29:20,550 --> 01:29:18,800
who have a child with a condition like

2340
01:29:21,750 --> 01:29:20,560
michaela's let's make it more general

2341
01:29:24,709 --> 01:29:21,760
with just a

2342
01:29:26,070 --> 01:29:24,719
extremely ill child i put them on a meat

2343
01:29:27,990 --> 01:29:26,080
diet

2344
01:29:29,510 --> 01:29:28,000
how did you okay irish lobster which is

2345
01:29:31,350 --> 01:29:29,520
hilarious i don't know if that's there's

2346
01:29:32,629 --> 01:29:31,360
a connection there

2347
01:29:34,950 --> 01:29:32,639
how did she know jordan was

2348
01:29:36,229 --> 01:29:34,960
quote-unquote the one how did he ask her

2349
01:29:38,149 --> 01:29:36,239
to marry him

2350
01:29:40,470 --> 01:29:38,159
what is she passionate about i know she

2351
01:29:41,910 --> 01:29:40,480
does massage their therapy

2352
01:29:43,750 --> 01:29:41,920
but i would love to know more about her

2353
01:29:45,430 --> 01:29:43,760
internal world well hopefully we gave

2354
01:29:47,189 --> 01:29:45,440
you a glimpse of her internal world so

2355
01:29:48,790 --> 01:29:47,199
far but as for the other questions that

2356
01:29:50,149 --> 01:29:48,800
is how did you know jordan was the one

2357
01:29:53,350 --> 01:29:50,159
how did he ask you to marry her what are

2358
01:29:55,350 --> 01:29:53,360
you passionate about um i've known

2359
01:29:57,669 --> 01:29:55,360
jordan for a very long time he asked me

2360
01:30:00,229 --> 01:29:57,679
to marry him

2361
01:30:03,910 --> 01:30:00,239
a few times once through a letter

2362
01:30:07,430 --> 01:30:03,920
um another at a party

2363
01:30:11,669 --> 01:30:09,430
is he serious that's what i was thinking

2364
01:30:14,470 --> 01:30:11,679
at a party publicly

2365
01:30:16,390 --> 01:30:14,480
not publicly my privately at a party

2366
01:30:18,390 --> 01:30:16,400
uh but through the latter i i thought

2367
01:30:20,229 --> 01:30:18,400
i'm not sure that this is i can't i

2368
01:30:21,430 --> 01:30:20,239
don't know if i can take this seriously

2369
01:30:23,590 --> 01:30:21,440
it was just

2370
01:30:27,350 --> 01:30:23,600
so he asked me a few times but i never

2371
01:30:28,770 --> 01:30:27,360
did say no until i said yes

2372
01:30:29,990 --> 01:30:28,780
i see i see

2373
01:30:31,990 --> 01:30:30,000
[Music]

2374
01:30:34,870 --> 01:30:32,000
and then what are you passionate about

2375
01:30:36,149 --> 01:30:34,880
what do i put art

2376
01:30:38,390 --> 01:30:36,159
i'm passionate about art and my

2377
01:30:39,430 --> 01:30:38,400
grandkids

2378
01:30:41,430 --> 01:30:39,440
okay

2379
01:30:43,830 --> 01:30:41,440
vegmek wants to know some of your

2380
01:30:47,110 --> 01:30:43,840
favorite books

2381
01:30:51,110 --> 01:30:49,030
i just read a really good short story

2382
01:30:53,430 --> 01:30:51,120
called

2383
01:30:57,030 --> 01:30:53,440
how to

2384
01:30:59,430 --> 01:30:57,040
i think that's it

2385
01:31:00,550 --> 01:30:59,440
let me see it was great

2386
01:31:06,070 --> 01:31:00,560
it was

2387
01:31:08,229 --> 01:31:06,080
knife that's it how to pronounce knife

2388
01:31:10,870 --> 01:31:08,239
that was good that was short stories you

2389
01:31:13,910 --> 01:31:10,880
could read them all separately but the

2390
01:31:16,310 --> 01:31:13,920
power the power of the narrative grew

2391
01:31:18,629 --> 01:31:16,320
with each story to the end i thought it

2392
01:31:21,990 --> 01:31:18,639
was really good so that was a good story

2393
01:31:24,390 --> 01:31:22,000
in terms of my favorite books

2394
01:31:28,070 --> 01:31:25,990
you know the master in margarita is a

2395
01:31:31,030 --> 01:31:28,080
great book

2396
01:31:34,070 --> 01:31:31,040
and i think that's on george list

2397
01:31:34,080 --> 01:31:38,870
you know i read

2398
01:31:38,880 --> 01:31:43,830
i read a lot of

2399
01:31:48,229 --> 01:31:45,510
inspirational

2400
01:31:53,030 --> 01:31:51,669
like self-development or yeah yeah or

2401
01:31:54,709 --> 01:31:53,040
religious

2402
01:31:56,629 --> 01:31:54,719
self-development

2403
01:31:58,870 --> 01:31:56,639
um and you but i imagine you would do

2404
01:32:04,229 --> 01:31:58,880
that now you didn't do that before

2405
01:32:08,870 --> 01:32:07,189
i wouldn't call it self-help but

2406
01:32:11,510 --> 01:32:08,880
more like and i wouldn't call it

2407
01:32:12,470 --> 01:32:11,520
philosophy but

2408
01:32:14,709 --> 01:32:12,480
you know

2409
01:32:16,149 --> 01:32:14,719
i've always been trying to

2410
01:32:19,110 --> 01:32:16,159
figure things out

2411
01:32:21,189 --> 01:32:19,120
and make things better

2412
01:32:23,270 --> 01:32:21,199
you do whatever whatever comes there's

2413
01:32:26,149 --> 01:32:23,280
something about your voice that's kind

2414
01:32:27,750 --> 01:32:26,159
loving tender gentle

2415
01:32:29,110 --> 01:32:27,760
it comes through

2416
01:32:30,390 --> 01:32:29,120
thank you

2417
01:32:31,669 --> 01:32:30,400
jordan said that you were a tough cookie

2418
01:32:33,110 --> 01:32:31,679
but i don't see that i'm sure you could

2419
01:32:34,790 --> 01:32:33,120
be i'm sure

2420
01:32:37,430 --> 01:32:34,800
i don't see it i mean i don't mean that

2421
01:32:39,270 --> 01:32:37,440
badly like i don't sense any malice or

2422
01:32:41,350 --> 01:32:39,280
any

2423
01:32:44,390 --> 01:32:41,360
overconfidence on your part well i think

2424
01:32:49,510 --> 01:32:44,400
bravery bravery is uh you don't have to

2425
01:32:54,229 --> 01:32:51,510
best ebrot says i would be interested in

2426
01:32:56,550 --> 01:32:54,239
what she makes of how jbp so jordan

2427
01:32:58,790 --> 01:32:56,560
peter you know yeah being portrayed in

2428
01:33:00,709 --> 01:32:58,800
hit pieces it's must be so frustrating

2429
01:33:03,189 --> 01:33:00,719
being the person who knows him best and

2430
01:33:05,270 --> 01:33:03,199
how caring he is

2431
01:33:07,510 --> 01:33:05,280
uh i don't know i think it goes with the

2432
01:33:09,830 --> 01:33:07,520
territory that you get hit pieces

2433
01:33:14,629 --> 01:33:09,840
and

2434
01:33:18,229 --> 01:33:17,030
it's news it's just click bait news

2435
01:33:20,390 --> 01:33:18,239
where these

2436
01:33:23,189 --> 01:33:20,400
stuff beats off your shoulder now in the

2437
01:33:24,870 --> 01:33:23,199
beginning did it bother you no

2438
01:33:28,310 --> 01:33:24,880
in the very beginning

2439
01:33:30,709 --> 01:33:28,320
first weeks where there were in the

2440
01:33:33,430 --> 01:33:30,719
first days where there were

2441
01:33:35,510 --> 01:33:33,440
journalists standing on the sidewalk

2442
01:33:37,430 --> 01:33:35,520
in the foyer in the kitchen and talking

2443
01:33:40,149 --> 01:33:37,440
with them in the living room

2444
01:33:42,629 --> 01:33:40,159
that that was pretty overwhelming

2445
01:33:44,950 --> 01:33:42,639
and then they started coming for

2446
01:33:46,950 --> 01:33:44,960
interviews and there were like i don't

2447
01:33:50,390 --> 01:33:46,960
know three or four interviews a week it

2448
01:33:55,590 --> 01:33:50,400
was a lot and they were in my house

2449
01:34:02,149 --> 01:33:58,310
you know they're hungry for information

2450
01:34:05,990 --> 01:34:02,159
and so it was difficult to

2451
01:34:07,910 --> 01:34:06,000
put my foot down and then in live events

2452
01:34:10,390 --> 01:34:07,920
i was told i could kind of put my foot

2453
01:34:12,709 --> 01:34:10,400
down i'd gone with

2454
01:34:15,189 --> 01:34:12,719
to one of jordan's lectures

2455
01:34:17,669 --> 01:34:15,199
when he was starting to get quite a

2456
01:34:20,149 --> 01:34:17,679
a number of people coming to his his

2457
01:34:22,550 --> 01:34:20,159
biblical lectures or no this was in

2458
01:34:24,229 --> 01:34:22,560
ottawa um

2459
01:34:26,390 --> 01:34:24,239
one was at the public library and one

2460
01:34:28,310 --> 01:34:26,400
was at the uh

2461
01:34:30,790 --> 01:34:28,320
national museum

2462
01:34:33,350 --> 01:34:30,800
in ottawa okay so you went in person

2463
01:34:34,709 --> 01:34:33,360
there were lots of people there and his

2464
01:34:37,030 --> 01:34:34,719
brother was there with me and he said

2465
01:34:38,709 --> 01:34:37,040
that he works with politicians and that

2466
01:34:40,149 --> 01:34:38,719
when this talk is over and everybody

2467
01:34:42,390 --> 01:34:40,159
gathers around and wants to ask

2468
01:34:45,270 --> 01:34:42,400
questions that he had a method for

2469
01:34:48,629 --> 01:34:45,280
dispersing people so i tried his method

2470
01:34:50,709 --> 01:34:48,639
for dispersing people and nobody moved

2471
01:34:52,070 --> 01:34:50,719
do you mind saying that

2472
01:34:53,830 --> 01:34:52,080
nobody moved

2473
01:34:55,510 --> 01:34:53,840
oh just walk up put my hand on his

2474
01:34:58,709 --> 01:34:55,520
shoulder and say five minutes you got

2475
01:35:00,950 --> 01:34:58,719
five minutes nobody nobody cared luckily

2476
01:35:03,189 --> 01:35:00,960
luckily the library was closing so they

2477
01:35:05,350 --> 01:35:03,199
just laughed

2478
01:35:07,270 --> 01:35:05,360
but that's when i decided i had nothing

2479
01:35:09,189 --> 01:35:07,280
to do with that that i wasn't that

2480
01:35:10,550 --> 01:35:09,199
wasn't you weren't that was not me

2481
01:35:11,990 --> 01:35:10,560
that was no people

2482
01:35:13,030 --> 01:35:12,000
okay

2483
01:35:16,070 --> 01:35:13,040
yeah

2484
01:35:18,790 --> 01:35:16,080
did you feel like you lost him to the

2485
01:35:20,709 --> 01:35:18,800
crowd or did you sorry what i mean is

2486
01:35:21,910 --> 01:35:20,719
i imagine that the amount of quality

2487
01:35:24,550 --> 01:35:21,920
time you spend

2488
01:35:26,149 --> 01:35:24,560
would have been reduced it very much was

2489
01:35:28,870 --> 01:35:26,159
and that's why i traveled with him

2490
01:35:30,070 --> 01:35:28,880
largely was because i thought if he went

2491
01:35:31,910 --> 01:35:30,080
i had lost

2492
01:35:33,030 --> 01:35:31,920
contact with him so much that i thought

2493
01:35:34,470 --> 01:35:33,040
i'd better

2494
01:35:36,870 --> 01:35:34,480
travel with him

2495
01:35:39,110 --> 01:35:36,880
to keep any contact with him at all

2496
01:35:40,950 --> 01:35:39,120
and it was good that i did because after

2497
01:35:43,910 --> 01:35:40,960
that i got so sick that that was the end

2498
01:35:45,350 --> 01:35:43,920
of our relationship for a long time

2499
01:35:47,030 --> 01:35:45,360
okay now this is the last one because

2500
01:35:48,550 --> 01:35:47,040
you gotta go and i just keep saying

2501
01:35:49,990 --> 01:35:48,560
gotta go jordan's gonna kick me out of

2502
01:35:51,910 --> 01:35:50,000
his office that's fine that's fine so

2503
01:35:53,750 --> 01:35:51,920
revulet this person named revulet and

2504
01:35:56,149 --> 01:35:53,760
then also someone named echo

2505
01:35:58,470 --> 01:35:56,159
echoed this question same question mrs

2506
01:35:59,750 --> 01:35:58,480
peterson

2507
01:36:01,350 --> 01:35:59,760
your husband said that in a recent

2508
01:36:02,709 --> 01:36:01,360
interview you told him you'd get better

2509
01:36:04,629 --> 01:36:02,719
on your wedding anniversary and that

2510
01:36:07,350 --> 01:36:04,639
ended up happening do you think it was a

2511
01:36:08,950 --> 01:36:07,360
lucky guess or if not

2512
01:36:11,590 --> 01:36:08,960
what do you credit for having been able

2513
01:36:13,350 --> 01:36:11,600
to predict this

2514
01:36:17,430 --> 01:36:13,360
i don't know what do you think

2515
01:36:19,750 --> 01:36:18,629
it happened

2516
01:36:22,149 --> 01:36:19,760
on the day

2517
01:36:25,270 --> 01:36:22,159
to the day

2518
01:36:27,830 --> 01:36:25,280
yeah i said i told him probably in when

2519
01:36:30,790 --> 01:36:27,840
i was really sick in june

2520
01:36:32,550 --> 01:36:30,800
that i would be better august 19th and

2521
01:36:34,390 --> 01:36:32,560
that's the day i was better that's the

2522
01:36:36,870 --> 01:36:34,400
day that they said you're better you can

2523
01:36:41,030 --> 01:36:38,629
so i don't know i don't know what that

2524
01:36:43,270 --> 01:36:41,040
was tammy thank you so much

2525
01:36:44,709 --> 01:36:43,280
thank you it's an honor i wanted to meet

2526
01:36:47,270 --> 01:36:44,719
you in person and give you a i think i

2527
01:36:49,510 --> 01:36:47,280
told you a choice cut of meat

2528
01:36:51,430 --> 01:36:49,520
do you still follow your husband and

2529
01:36:53,750 --> 01:36:51,440
daughter's diet or

2530
01:36:57,669 --> 01:36:53,760
not my husband's diet my daughter's diet

2531
01:37:01,910 --> 01:37:00,229
i can't eat beef anymore nope

2532
01:37:04,310 --> 01:37:01,920
no vegetables

2533
01:37:05,350 --> 01:37:04,320
no vitamins

2534
01:37:08,470 --> 01:37:05,360
just

2535
01:37:10,790 --> 01:37:08,480
a little bit of chicken wings oh there

2536
01:37:11,510 --> 01:37:10,800
he is okay you gotta get going i gotta

2537
01:37:13,189 --> 01:37:11,520
go

2538
01:37:14,629 --> 01:37:13,199
all right okay

2539
01:37:15,910 --> 01:37:14,639
thank you thank you so much i appreciate